I was recently scrolling on TikTok when I came across a post by user Paris Mwendwa with a blurb:
“Kindness to women in sex is so rare and odd that the only way women can communicate their desire for it is through pornified language. The fact that ‘praise kinks’ exist shows that gentleness towards women is not the default. So many men have porn addictions and desire to be violent towards women in bed. Kindness/praise has to be reworded as a ‘kink’ for them to understand. This is the symptom of a depraved, woman-hating, porn-sick culture.”
Garnering over a million views and 200,000 likes, it made me question the now so-common kink.
Defined by none other than Grindr, the praise kink is described as being turned on when receiving verbal praise, compliments, or positive affirmations during intimacy and intercourse.
The term has been prominent with Gen Z and is constantly tossed around social media, but how did it rise to prominence, and when did the concept of praise and compliments become a kink?
In a generation where sex comes before commitment and in a society that has normalized hookup culture, has affection during sex gone extinct, or is it no longer considered mandatory? Hookup culture has rewritten the rules of intimacy. Sex now often comes before connection, before commitment, before care.Â
Women are expected to look hot, be confident, know what they’re doing (but not too much), and somehow also maintain an effortless cool-girl detachment. Intimacy has been stripped down to performance. The idea of mutual tenderness? It’s gotten lost somewhere between Netflix and chill.
And this is where praise kinks come in. Women aren’t just asking to be complimented during sex, they’re asking to be seen. To be appreciated. To feel something beyond physical sensation. What’s wild is that they’ve had to frame this basic desire as a kink just to make it palatable enough for men to understand.
A huge factor here is porn. It’s undeniable that most mainstream, normalized kinks often involve violent dominance of women as a requirement for sex. With endless access to videos where the default dynamic is rough, dominant men and submissive, degraded women, a lot of guys have internalized this as “normal.” They confuse aggression with passion and dominance with desire. Yet there hasn’t been a proportionate growth in sex education, whether it be about consent or sexual autonomy; it’s quite literally coming back to bite us in the ass. Â
Don’t even get me started on the lazy “daddy issues” excuse that some people use to justify this. Are we really going to blame praise kinks on fatherless homes? Deadbeat dads have been around since forever, and women wanting a little gentleness during sex has nothing to do with someone’s relationship with their parents.Â
Why can’t men understand that not all women enjoy being called a whore when being f*cked? Why does praise need to be turned into a kink for men to understand that? Maybe it’s time for men to realize that kindness doesn’t have to be exotic.Â
You see, hookup culture isn’t inherently evil, but it does come with baggage. When intimacy is stripped of emotional connection, it becomes transactional. Hookup culture tells us to prioritize the act over the connection. Porn tells men that roughness equals passion. Nobody’s teaching consent, communication, or just basic niceness. Women have had to turn affection into a kink just to make it sound exciting enough for people to take seriously.
The real problem isn’t praise kinks themselves, it’s what they symbolize: a society that has devalued kindness and affection so much that women have to negotiate for it. That’s the real tragedy, not whether or not someone likes being told they’re amazing during sex.
So next time a guy asks, “What are you into?” you could say, “I like kindness, compliments, and someone who doesn’t treat sex like an Olympic sport.” If he looks confused, just tell him, “Oh, like a praise kink,” and watch him nod like he’s just cracked the Da Vinci code. Because apparently, that’s where we’re at now.
Ladies, stay kind and maybe a little feral, too. Keep asking for what you want — whether it’s kindness, compliments, or a little chaos. You deserve it all.
And if someone tries to make you feel weird for wanting affection? Take it as a sign they don’t deserve you.