Trigger warning: this article discusses themes of sexual assault.
Looking for a good YouTube video essay to watch while I was preparing to eat my lunch, I stumbled across a recent discourse video on none other than James Charles, created by a YouTube content creator that has well over a million subscribers. I had previously distanced myself from the content creators that I grew up with while I was a teenager, but I was curious to see if there were any new updates on Charles and what was going on recently – and boy, did I forget a lot.
While I wouldn’t say that I’m chronically online (anymore, at least), there was a time earlier in my life where I greatly centered my life and media consumption around YouTube, having a lot of love towards the content creators that I watched and believing that we had a special, strong relationship. The creators I would watch greatly ranged from some of the bigger named video game players to makeup artists and story time creators. As I’ve gotten older and experienced more in life – such as starting college, getting big girl jobs, developing my interests, and broadening my social circles – I’ve stepped away from engaging with these creators as much as I previously did, though there were a named few that I would watch continuously, such as Markiplier and Cody Ko (which, we’ll get to).
However, as I’ve grown in age, and thus, maturity, I’ve come to realize that much of the experienced relationships I had with these content creators were entirely fabricated on my end. Parasocial relationships, or a one-sided psychological connection that a person forms with a media figure they don’t actually know, was a growing part of my development as I grew into my teenage and adult years. They perpetuated the idea that the people that I would watch and idolize were paradoxically above me and untouchable while maintaining the image that they were just like me and other people, completely erasing the notion that in one way or another, these figures were celebrities. Not only that, but with their status, these media figures were able to act and see themselves above other people, which I had the heartbreak of experiencing while countless creator after creator would be involved in a scandal, get canceled, then seemingly come back into the spotlight with little to no repercussions.
The first ‘canceled’ YouTube creator that I had the unfortunate experience of no longer supporting was Cryaotic, a Let’s Player who was known for playing indie and popular horror games with a soft-spoken, deep voice. He was one of the first few well-known Youtubers who never decided to show their face, which added to his allure and persona. Growing up in middle school, I was introduced to Cryoatic through a collaboration he had with Markiplier, and he quickly became one of my favorite content creators. Some of his let’s plays, such as “The Walking Dead” and “The Cat Lady,” grew to deeply influence me, and I still remember them very clearly.
I gradually stopped watching Cryoatic for no reason other than I stopped having the time, and I was growing into other interests. It wasn’t until years after the last time I watced one of his videos, while I was a senior in high school, did I stumble across his channel again. I decided to see if he had made anything recently and perhaps get back into nostalgia when I found his final video titled “Cry Talks: we stopped being genuine a long time ago.”
In the video, Cryoatic is incredibly vague in what he was talking about, other than discussing how he was previously immature and that people need to learn how to forgive others. Because I was so confused, I had to do more research on what happened, which ended up being the news that he cheated on his girlfriend with minors.
While I no longer was an avid fan of Cryoatic, I was heartbroken. As one of the first media personalities that I held a great affinity towards, I felt like I was betrayed, and the good memories and attitudes I had towards him were completely shattered. It was deeply uncomfortable knowing that as a child, a person that I looked up to was secretly doing heinous and despicable things in their private lives – to people who could have been the same as me at one point. I decided that I could no longer hold on to that piece of nostalgia any longer, and I decided to fully detach myself from any good memories or experiences that I had idolizing him when I was developing.
Sadly, this wasn’t the only time that I had to have this experience. Another Youtuber that I had grown a great affinity towards, Shane Dawson, was also revealed to have done and said incredibly terrible things – that which I won’t list, but you can find them here. This was another punch in the gut, as I was a bit older than I was compared to when I was a Cryaotic fan, and felt that I finally was able to have good judgment of character and was able to expand my interests. While I would watch Shane Dawson and his friends genuinely every day and became such a fan to the point where I can quote his phrases and recount countless encounters on screen, I had to once again separate myself from this content creator that I falsely idolized and had to come with terms that they were an awful person who I did not truly know.
While I have not idolized many content creators throughout my life, I was reminded back of how I felt when I heard the news about Cryaotic and was once again incredibly let down for not only losing hope and love for someone that I had grown incredibly attached to but also angered that I was once again in the same situation. Why did these people do the things they did? Why did I feel like they were allowed to until they (fortunately) got caught? Why did I keep idolizing people that I couldn’t know if they were good or bad people in the first place? All these questions began coming to me, and I felt like a fool for getting so upset by a person’s actions that I didn’t even know personally. I no longer wanted to be caught up supporting someone blindly if I didn’t know them, because how could I support someone if there was a chance they could be a completely different person behind the camera? I thought I had the right mindset at this time and that I would never idolize someone again to the same degree – until, of course, it happened again.
Compared to the content creators that I have mentioned, as well as the countless other examples that anyone could imagine, the biggest disenchantment that I experienced with idolizing a parasocial relationship was with YouTuber Cody Ko. I became an avid fan of his videos incredibly quickly, and he was a media celebrity that I genuinely thought could do no wrong. His videos were hilarious to me, and I would come to watch almost every video that he created, along with consuming his other content, such as his music and his merchandise. I was known among my friends as an avid fan of his, and watching his videos together with them became something that was commonplace.
I was able to be a happy fan of his for many years until I began hearing allegations that Cody had sexually assaulted another YouTuber, Tana Mongeau. As a previous fan of hers as well, I was incredibly shocked and confused – I tried to convince myself that the rumors were just that, and that this was simply a smear campaign made to take down one of the biggest YouTubers at the time. However, I couldn’t shake the disgust that I began associating with his name, and by doing more research and consistently hearing the same news time and time again, I decided I had to stop watching and supporting him completely.
A few months after I originally heard the news, apparently, the internet did too. In the space of only a few days, countless commentary channels all created essentially the same video – recounting the news of the assault, the timeline of events, and how the incredible height of Cody Ko’s internet fame and public persona essentially rendered him almost unstoppable until the news could no longer be hidden.
I couldn’t say that I was upset anymore. I was incredibly glad that the news finally broke out to the point where there was no denying the allegations, yet I was devastated all over again by the simple fact that another content creator was able to get away with something heinous they did, all because of their fame. Not only that, but the public personas that these creators were able to produce was a key way of creating a mask of innocence for them, all while leading many fans to believe that they had a special relationship with their idol, even though the same was not true the other way around.
Since finding out the news about Cody Ko, I never once checked to see if he had been making new videos, music, or anything else affiliated with his name. While writing this article, I went and checked his account, and still no new video has been created – and truth be told, it made me very happy. I have no longer kept up with the events and news surrounding Cody Ko, and frankly, I no longer want to.
The parasocial relationships I’ve had with these content creators, while embarrassing to admit, greatly shaped me while I was growing up. While they have given me a lot of laughs and good memories, they have all been revealed to have done terrible things, and I cannot look at them the same. While all of these people are individuals and media celebrities that you may or may not be familiar with, the lesson to learn is the same – we think we know these figures, but the truth is, all we know about them is what they let us know. While many celebrities are unavoidable due to the nature of fame in recent years, it’s important to note that these people are still people – and with that, they can do all the terrible things that any person can do. Moving forward, I will keep my word in resisting idolizing celebrities, as I think it’s the best way to keep a parasocial relationship distant and healthy.