To say Her Campus saved my life may sound dramatic, and might also seem like an insult to all the people who have helped me on my journey of coping… but I truly believe that the most impactful aspect of my recovery, came from being encouraged to write.
I joined Her Campus, by what I would call – fate.
I had just gotten out of a relationship, I was depressed, I was anxious, and I was way too thin.
I was in a vulnerable place. I had just survived pancreatitis and a three-day stint in the hospital, after a night of severe binge drinking due to my depressive thoughts and a complete emotional breakdown.
Waking up in the hospital I felt scared. Scared to face the reality of how I was abusing myself, and of how I had created such toxic relationships around me. I had put my friends and my family in a horrible position… they we’re constantly worried that something might happen to me again… something permanent next time.
But what they didn’t understand, was that I was scared of that happening too. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, and I was tired of feeling so helpless and sick.
When my thoughts got really bad, I would spin into chaos. I wasn’t myself. I was impulsive and hurtful. I spoke words I didn’t mean, and took action without thinking about the consequence.
I was obsessed with the idea of death, and life, and what it all meant… and I couldn’t decide if the unexplained pain I was feeling was worth it all…
Although I received amazing support from friends, family, and therapists following my hospitalization… for which I can barely explain, and never will be able to express how thankful I am to have had them fighting for me… I needed to fight for myself too.
It took a while to realize that no matter how much support I had, I would never get better unless I worked for it… for myself.
And that’s when things began to fall into place… I had always loved writing short stories, and sometimes wished deeply and secretively to publish a novel… but with my depression came so much doubt and a lack in motivation to pursue those things… they seemed so unattainable for me.
That was until I came across a Facebook post on a student social page, published by a girl named Alexie Evans.
I didn’t know her, but her post intrigued me. She had written that she was the Campus Correspondent for Western’s Her Campus… an online magazine. Being a media student, I thought maybe this would be a good way to finally get involved at school and with my future career… even if just on a small scale. In a moment of brief motivation, I sent Alexie and email asking for more information.
She responded almost right away, explaining what she did and asking for me to share some information about myself/what I’d like to write about. Receiving that email back was tough. I had just gone through a traumatic episode with depression, and now I had signed up for something I didn’t even know if I could do… I was totally overwhelmed and afraid to give her my word… I was afraid I wouldn’t be a good enough writer or be able to keep up. I convinced myself out of the whole thing… My anxiety completely took over and told me I couldn’t do it and just shouldn’t respond.
That’s when I started to write.
My first article was called “What It’s Really Like To Have Depression And Anxiety In University.” I’d like to say that I wrote it to help other people, but that would be a lie. I wrote that article through tears, for myself. The words flowed out of me quickly, but stung each time I admitted there was maybe something wrong with me… that maybe I wasn’t like other girls my age. As I finished what can be be described as word vomit… I felt high. I honestly felt like I had taken Xanax or something… I was so calm.
I decided to read what I had written and it shocked me. I had been in such a daze that I hadn’t really realized all that I had let out… all I had told.
I remember feeling liberated, healed. And in another impulsive moment, I sent the document to Alexie with a warning that read something like: “I’m not sure if this is HC material…it’s kind of dark and personal, but I thought I’d see what you thought about it…”
I hit send and then immediately freaked out… again. Holy shit. I had just admitted my biggest secret to a girl I didn’t even know. What if I scared her? What if she hated it?
After a short wait, she messaged back saying she loved it, really related to my words on a personal level, and was going to publish it.
I fought with myself for hours wondering if I was ready to share this much with even more people… ready to have strangers know about my battle, ready for my peers to know about why I don’t always make it to class, or why I abruptly leave the bar with spontaneous anxiety over my surroundings.
I warned my parents what was coming… and I remember they asked, “Are you sure you want to do this?”
The answer was no… but for some reason, looking to take back some control, and deciding not to give “af” about the judgment I might receive.. I did it anyways… and I felt free. I didn’t have to hide, lie, or pretend… any more.
Alexie uploaded my article and there was no turning back. I shared it on my wall and waited…
Within the next 24 hours I had an inbox (both text and on Facebook) full of messages. My article had been shared by my peers, my family, and people I barely knew. The messages I received were nothing but gracious… you would not believe the amount of people who thanked me for articulating how they felt. It blew my mind realizing that this wasn’t something only I was going through…. there were lots of us out there… which was both heartbreaking, and comforting.
When I finally met Alexie in person, we sat down at a campus cafe and she told me some exciting news: my article had been shared by the national Her Campus page and had hit a record number of views and shares for our chapter – of over 30,000 people.
I was shocked, excited and emotional. That article had started a conversation not just with me, my friends, and my parents (+ their friends), but with a larger HC community… around the world!
Hearing from so many supporters, and others also battling with the same issues as me, made my decision to publish more than worth it… I had used my voice. I had done something good… with something that had been so bad… and for the first time in a long time, I felt truly hopeful that I had a purpose and was meant to be here.
Her Campus was, and still is, a part of my recovery. It is a coping tool that I flock to when I need to tell my truth and to “just let it out.” Writing heals me and helps me to admit my fears and faults… it also helps me to let them go.
Without Her Campus, I honestly don’t know where I would be. If I hadn’t been given the opportunity to write, and become published, and to share my experiences… I feel like I would still feel alone and caged. I feel like my parents would still be in the dark about my struggles. I feel like I would have lost all my friends…
Now, two years later, I am the VERY PROUD Campus Correspondent of Her Campus Western Ontario!
This past summer my outgoing CC Alexie and I even got the opportunity to go off to NYC for the 2015 Her Conference, to share the experience together. And although the conference was amazing, the best part of the trip was being able to thank Alexie for the opportunity she gave to me as an interested writer. Over a few glasses of wine on Wall Street, I think we both finally got to take the weight of this whole beautiful experience, in.
Now, close to the end of my presidency, I can say that this job has been the most extraordinary and rewarding experience of my life. Meeting Alexie, and formulating my own team of writers this year, has totally turned me into a Mom… Ps. I’m a cool Mom (obviously). I am so proud of my writers for being so open and honest, and helping others like I was able to do. Every time they send me something from the heart, I get inspired all over again.
It is my deepest hope that I will pass the torch to one (or two) of my girls next year, who will continue to push this amazing team to write about the hard stuff, the personal stuff, the real stuff… along with preserving both mine and Alexie’s legacy to provide other girls with the safe haven: of friendship, loyalty and open-mindedness, that’s called Her Campus Western Ontario.
Ok, now I’m bawling… so I’ll just leave you with the most important thing I’ve learned:
“Trust what got you here.” – Michelle Tan, Her Conference 2015
HCXO