“When you try your best, but you don’t succeed.”
Coldplay always understands me.
Okay, so I’m pretty sure this song isn’t about a midterm, but that’s the beauty of music, right? Lyrics are flexible…stretchy band-aids of sorts when we need them. Just yesterday, I took a test for my International Business class. I had studied hard for it. Read and re-read. I had been on top of that class from the beginning, promised myself that I’d be prepared for this. I did everything right. Read all the chapters. Read all my notes on the chapter. Reviewed her lecture slides. Reviewed the notes I took on her lecture slides. Asked my TA clarifying questions. I spent the weekend getting well-acquainted with the concepts: all the indexes, the theorists, the international organizations!!! And I even felt that I studied effectively and strategically. I mean, I’ve done this routine for several quarters now.
The big day came. I woke up with enough time to get a breakfast burrito (wow), and listened to Kanye on the way to class. Pep in my step, ready to seize the day.
Sat down. Informational bubbles already filled in on my scantron. Water bottle within reach. I restlessly shook my leg, up and down and up and down, the way my mom doesn’t like. Waiting with impatience like a voracious eater forced to sit through a long-winded blessing of the food.
“You may begin.”
Flipped open the packet.
First question: “in that one obscure diagram with the monkeys and the bananas, what mechanism represented a normative institutional pillar?”
‘Crap. I thought this slide was irrelevant. Just another barely relevant illustration she threw in to mix things up. Dammit. I’ll come back to this one.’
Next question: “What was the key point of the super obscure case study you skimmed over in quiz section?”
‘Shit. I definitely studied wrong for this test. I thought those were just to stimulate students’ thinking and get them to participate. Well, what options do I have? a) really simple answer that doesn’t seem relevant b) really vague answer that is true, but not relevant c) could be true d) this is also true, but was it the main point? e) this one is so broad too!! What even is this test?! It’s subject to interpretation, that’s what. Fuuuu—-“
And that’s how it went. I always narrowed down the choices to two and, like it usually goes, I chose the wrong one. My main frustration with this test was that barely any hard content was on there. It was mainly like “what was the biggest insight from the entire book” with a bunch of answers that all seemed partially right, yet too broad to be obviously right. In sum, the test was the kind a lucky guesser could’ve aced while the overly-studious kid like me stared dumbfoundedly at the paper. It doesn’t help that I’m an irrational test-taker that second-guesses what I already know in my mind. As the minutes pass by and the pressure builds, my process of elimination becomes more and more ridiculous. ‘I remember that answer being on the slide, but this one makes more sense! I’ll go with this one.’ In the end, I walked out of the room with no pep in my step, but with my fists clenched and eyebrows furrowed. Overthinking my answers, tense for the rest of the day. After talking with a few classmates and double-checking my notes, I realized I had gotten several questions wrong. It hurt. 80% of the notes I had compiled and poured over during the weekend were all for naught. I tried to shake off my disappointment and tell myself that everyone else found it difficult too, that this grade was nothing in the grand scheme of things, that I had tried my best. But that was the crux of my anguish. I had tried my best and it amounted to nothing.
I came back to my room, slung my backpack off, and sat on my bed. I stared at the door. The existential thoughts began to set in. ‘What’s the point of all this?’ ‘This system is so flawed.’ ‘If my grade doesn’t even represent my knowledge or the effort I put in, why even try?’ ‘Does my GPA even hold any significance in a field where who you know matters most?’
What I realized is that it always matters that I try my best. That time and time again, the value lies in the process rather than in the end-result. The end-result is the motivating factor throughout the process, what pushes me to try harder, but is ultimately not what defines me as a person. In this life, especially in American culture, we are highly consumed with material success. We regard material success as the pinnacle of life, a sign that we’ve figured it out. We are often motivated by achievements and rankings that showcase our importance to the world. We want to amass more because more power means a bigger footprint, a larger legacy to leave behind. However, when we are lying on our deathbeds, is it the certificates and bonuses that we’ll remember? I don’t think so. I believe it is the moments. That the meaning of life is, in its nature, momentary. Rather than for a transition or some state, we live for discovery–a continuous pursuit of adventure. Experiential adventure, intellectual adventure, new relationships that spark and embolden, define and re-define our perspectives. One of my greatest shortcomings is trying to live with so much clarity. My desire for finality, closure, for justice and common sense turns me maniacal when one of the listed isn’t achieved. Life isn’t a game of subsequent, discrete, ascending levels–though the way we’ve organized life may make it seem so. Life won’t work out seamlessly, even when we think we’ve figured out the equation. Unknown variables exist, and they can suck. Especially for someone who wants to be prepared, never subject to embarrassment. But they also make life, life. They give life color, dynamism. They give us hope when all seems lost, when we can’t seem to think of any other way out.
So I challenge you, reader, to catch yourself the next time you don’t get what you deserved. When it doesn’t work out when it was supposed to. I challenge you to re-orient your thinking, to force yourself to glean insights. Lessons are in everything. You have to allow yourself to stay open and receptive to these lessons, because they are often embedded deep within something that is not so pretty on the surface. But I promise you, it’s there. In the least hippie-way possible, the good is there. Be inspired and enchanted by the things you don’t understand. I promise it will pay off; that striving for the best with all you’ve got will attract success. The greatest way to leave your mark is to live life authentically and passionately. You want to make a difference? You have to want change. Not change for your bank account or the benefits that would come with a successful endeavor, but change in and of itself. This requires you to overcome, yet retain your curiosity while try, try, trying again. So dust yourself off, get yourself that pint of Ben and Jerry’s, and remember that it is how you respond to these unknowns that defines you. Don’t let an unfair test steal your work ethic. Don’t let “the one that got away” steal your big and loving heart. You are a star that must keep shining. The darker the night, the brighter you will be.