I only know a few people who are masochistic enough to believe that they actually like running at 6 a.m. on a Sunday (Why do you do this to yourself? Show me your ways). The majority of people I meet have a more conventional relationship with the gym: they feel obligated to go. I would consider myself one of the majority in this case except that I probably complain about exercising 99% more than the average person, so much so that on my list of top five favorite things, complaining about exercise is ranked #3 (just after Jim and Pam from The Office and just before a really good almond croissant). Don’t get me wrong, I love what exercising does for my body and mind so I do it often (#5daysaweek), but the only way I can find enjoyment in being on an elliptical is if I can shout expletives in my head about stationary running being the absolute WORST. So if you’re like me and you love to hate the gym, this listicle is dedicated to you.
Courtesy: All or Nothing Crossfit
Is That Sweat or Water Color Art?
I think it is safe to say that no one likes to sweat; it’s a basic human aversion even when you sweat like a normal person. Then there’s me: on a stationary bike for 45 minutes and in the first 15 I already have enough sweat to fill half of a kiddie pool. Sometimes I see people on machines in front of me get off after a full hour and they’re almost completely dry. I just have one question for you people: what kind of voodoo are you practicing and are there classes in this witchcraft? Honestly, if I could get through an entire Power Yoga class without involuntarily creating a slip n’ slide out of my mat just ONE TIME, I would pay anything: cash, baked goods, eternal servitude – name your price.
Technology Hates Me: Gym Edition
I can’t even get technology to like me when I am at home so we are pretty much mortal enemies at the gym. When machines ask me my weight I enter it in like I am typing in my pin number at an ATM, and then I STILL subtract five pounds. I will sacrifice an accurate calorie count in order to retain the small amount of dignity I have left.
My battle with technology isn’t just with digital technology either; I am convinced weight machines hate me too. Pulley systems are an ancient technology and I can’t even manage to operate a leg press properly. No matter how gentle I am I still crash the weights together and have to low-key slink away from the machine because I don’t want anyone to know that I am the person interrupting their Zen between sets.
No Hair Tie? No Headphones? No Hamstring Curls.
The brittle elastic in the final days of a hair tie’s life are its most precious and most beautiful, because the second that sucker snaps, I no longer HAVE to go to Barre Burn. The thing is: I like excuses, I like lying to myself, I hate that one part of me feels guilty, but I love that the much more important and awesome part of me gets to sleep for another hour or watch another episode of OITNB, every time my hair tie breaks or whenever I have “lost” my headphones (they aren’t lost, they are in my car and I am just too lazy to walk all the way to the parking garage).
Hello? Je Ne Parle Pas GymSpeak.
Falling into stride with the person on the arc trainer next to me is one of my biggest fears. The instant it happens someone ends up making eye contact and the battle is lost: you have to smile or nod or make ACTUAL CONVERSATION which is the #1 thing to avoid doing at the gym (pretty much the #1 thing to avoid doing ever, tbh). Honestly, I am just really thankful that headphones exist because the unspoken rule of one ear bud in meaning, “It’s cool to talk to me,” and two, meaning “Just go away,” is the only reason I can tolerate exercising near anyone.
Courtesy: Fox
Whether you are like me and complain about the gym more than you should or you are one of those crazy 6 a.m.-ers, I hope you start this semester of right by getting back to the gym and staying healthy, even if you have to drag yourself there to do it! Also, a note to the 6 a.m.-ers, please no neon before 9 a.m. What did the rest of us ever do to you?