Infidelity — AKA cheating — is one of the most common relationship challenges that couples encounter. A 2021 survey found that over 46% of respondents have experienced infidelity while being in a committed, monogamous relationship, and a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Divorce found that approximately 70% of married Americans cheat at least once. Of course, cheating can happen within the context of any relationship — not just married couples. As Gen Z becomes more pragmatic, open, and honest about love, dating, and sex, it’s important for us to start talking more openly about cheating: what it is, why it happens, and what it means for our relationships.
The American Psychological Association (APA) defines infidelity as a “situation in which one partner in a marriage or intimate relationship becomes sexually or emotionally involved” with a person outside of their current relationship. However, given that every relationship is different, we know that cheating can be defined in many ways, and the experience is anything but simple or straightforward.
If you’ve experienced cheating in some way, you’re not alone — it can be a painful feeling to be betrayed by someone you trust, and you might be left confused, with lots of questions as to why it happened. For example, when I was cheated on by my partner, their “reason” was that “‘it’s always good to have a backup,” which made me feel like I was just an option — not to mention the comment significantly affected my mentality about our future together. So, why is it that so many people cheat, and is cheating inherently a bad thing? I consulted experts to find out.
Why do people cheat in the first place?
Cheating has historically been a taboo topic, but given how often it actually occurs, the phenomenon is becoming more common to talk about. One of the most unique voices leading the conversation about infidelity is Esther Perel, a renowned psychotherapist and author who specializes in relationships and modern dating culture. According to Perel, one of the biggest reasons for infidelity might be a longing for connection — whether physical, emotional, or otherwise.
In Perel’s 2015 TED Talk, called Rethinking Infidelity: A Talk For Anyone Who Has Ever Loved, she states: “At the heart of an affair, you’ll find a longing and a yearning for an emotional connection…a wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves.” While there are many reasons why people cheat, perhaps at the end of the day, sometimes we’re simply looking for intimacy and support.
Of course, there is a myriad of other reasons why people cheat. A 1999 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology revealed five major categories of infidelity “motives”: sexuality, emotional satisfaction, social context, attitudes-norms, and revenge hostility. And according to a 2021 report by MedicineNet, some of the most common reasons for cheating are feeling unappreciated, lack of commitment, reduced sexual desire, self-esteem, and situational factors like being long-distance or wanting physical comfort after a stressful event.
MedicineNet reports that if a partner feels neglected or unappreciated in a relationship, it can lead them to seek attention outside of their current relationship. Meanwhile, other individuals may cheat on their partners because they’d rather avoid conflict; in other words, cheating serves as an “escape” from the challenges in their existing relationship. (For instance, one of my close friends has said that they would rather cheat on their partner with someone new instead of working on the relationship since it’s “a lot easier”).
According to a 2021 research study published in Social Sciences, cheating is one of the most commonly-cited reasons why couples seek counseling — demonstrating how many couples appear to want to work through infidelity, even though it’s hurtful. Unpacking a cheating incident can be complicated, and experts say that it’s crucial to carefully examine the situation and context surrounding the experience.
If you’ve experienced infidelity, it’s important to recognize the context in which it occurred.
According to Ashera DeRosa, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist at the helm of Whole Stories Therapy, the context of infidelity matters — it is not a one-size-fits-all experience! DeRosa tells Her Campus, “When I’m helping a couple recover from an affair, we look at the context of the affair. The context does not make the affair OK, but it does help the couple understand how and where their connection started to break down.”
DeRosa adds that affairs typically point to an underlying challenge, and it’s possible for couples to work together in a way that’s constructive and healing. “Affairs are often symptomatic of much deeper issues at play,” she says. “It’s possible to hold both parties accountable for the state of the relationship without making excuses for betrayal.”
Cheating isn’t “black and white.”
Many people view cheating as either a “good” or “bad” thing, but Billie Tyler, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Spokane, Washington, says that cheating is far from a “black and white” issue. “Cheating is oversimplified in our society,” Tyler tells Her Campus. “We’re often taught that there are ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ in relationships, and if we end up in the ‘grey,’ then it’s bad. The trouble with this black and white thinking is that it can lead to couples avoiding tough discussions or honesty because their thoughts, feelings, or actions fall into the ‘wrong’ category. This leads to major issues further in the relationship.”
Tyler says that the shame associated with cheating can also cloud a person’s ability to grow within the relationship, and that the key to working through the issue is developing a clear understanding of what the situation means to each party.
She tells Her Campus, “As much as it would be easiest to look at the person who cheated as ‘bad,’ it is often a healthier process to understand each person’s perspective. This does not mean you have to forgive or agree…it just helps both individuals learn from the path that led them there to recalculate what a healthy relationship is moving forward — together, or with new partners.”
Tyler recommends that couples discuss their values and boundaries early on in a relationship and continue the conversation to maintain open communication. She adds that empathy is key in working through the experience — whether you’ve been cheated on or you’re the one who cheated.
“If you find yourself in a situation where you may have crossed a boundary, consider what you hope your partner would do if they were in your shoes,” she tells Her Campus. “Give yourself some grace so you can look deeper into what happened and find the response that aligns with your commitments and values within the relationship. Most importantly, give your partner a chance to make a choice, even though that is scary. They deserve the right to be considered and have the agency to choose to work through this relationship or not.”
At the end of the day, cheating can be a complicated experience for couples, and Tyler encourages individuals to trust the healing process, even when it’s difficult. “The bottom line is that cheating is extremely hard and painful and it cannot be simplified,” she says. “You have to get in the mud to figure out the path forward.”
Understanding why a partner cheated can help you determine how to move forward.
While every instance of cheating is different and circumstances can vary drastically between couples, one expert says that different “types” of cheaters have emerged over time — which might help you gain perspective and determine how to proceed. According to Kevin Darné, a relationship advisor and author of My Cat Won’t Bark! A Relationship Epiphany and Every Ending is a New Beginning: The journey from Breaking Up to Moving On, partners who cheat might be grouped into three main “types”: the serial cheater, unbelievable opportunity cheater, and the discontented cheater.
“The serial cheater has typically never been faithful in any long-term relationship,” Darné tells Her Campus. “They tend to get bored easily and are always on the lookout for the thrill that comes with being with someone new.” For this person, Darné says monogamy might feel restrictive.
As for the “unbelievable opportunity” cheater, Darné says the person may not proactively seek opportunities to cheat; rather, impulsiveness, happenstance, and momentary lapses in judgment tend to be contributing factors. “In some instances, the [unbelievable opportunity] cheater may have a secret crush on [someone], and one day out of the blue, their hidden affection hits,” he says. “Or, circumstances present an opportunity to turn a fantasy into a reality.”
Finally, the “discontented” cheater tends to claim that they cheated for a particular reason and tends to blame the other party for their cheating. According to Darné, the person may something like “If you hadn’t done XYZ, or stopped doing XYZ behavior, I never would’ve stepped outside the relationship!” in an effort to distract from their actions.
“This type of cheater blames you!” Darné tells Her Campus. “This can help them save face with family and friends.”
If you find out that a partner has cheated on you, reflect on why it happened. Did the person express being unhappy in the relationship? Was it a momentary lapse in judgment? Did they apologize? If so, how? Note: Regardless of the situation, if a person is suddenly trying to place the blame on you for their actions, this could veer into gaslighting behavior — which could be an indication of an unhealthy relationship.
Technology and dating apps can play a part in cheating, too.
Given the popularity of dating apps and social media, finding romance and getting attention from someone other than your partner has, theoretically, become easier than ever. Social media and dating apps can also make it easier to “hide” things from partners, which can make cheating convenient and concealable. It’s important to remember that for some people, a flirty text may qualify as cheating, but for others, the action may be acceptable. Be sure to set and discuss boundaries with your partner — including when it comes to the internet.
Sometimes, a friendly slide into a DM can be harmless — but online flirting can also lead down a slippery slope. A 2021 Fatherly article on cheating in the digital era explores how photos, comment sections, and even emojis can allow users to connect with potential romantic interests. According to Fatherly, “low-commitment communication” can signal that someone wants to “keep their options open” even if they aren’t interested in engaging in romance anytime soon — a phenomenon the article calls the “back burner” effect. Whether it’s chatting with people online or sending flirtatious texts, everyone defines cheating differently in the digital sphere, so it’s best to be upfront with your partner from the start about your boundaries and comfort zone. Better safe than sorry!
So, is cheating inherently bad?
The answer to this age-old question is far from simple, and experts agree.
“Whether someone is cheating at playing cards or in a relationship, cheating involves making a choice to ‘break the agreed-upon rules,’” Darné tells Her Campus. “Cheating usually entails secrecy, deception, or outright lying — all of which creates distrust and potentially hurts those who were betrayed.” However it occurs, cheating typically doesn’t feel good, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be worked through (if both parties are willing).
Sometimes, dealing with infidelity can help us realize that there is a deeper problem at the foundation of our relationships. As Perel tells The Guardian in a 2017 interview about the psychology of infidelity: “Many affairs are break-ups, but some affairs are make-ups. Sometimes the relationship that comes out is stronger and more honest and deeper than the one that existed before because people finally step up.”
At the end of the day, you and your partner can decide what the outcome is once the affair is over. An affair isn’t the end of the world — in fact, it could provide the opportunity for valuable conversations or even the start of a new chapter.
Interviews have been edited and condensed for clarity. Additional reporting by Tianna Soto.
Experts
Ashera DeRosa, LMFT, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Billie Tyler, LMFT, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Kevin Darné, Author & Relationship Advisor
Studies
Drigotas, S. M., Safstrom, C. A., & Gentilia, T. (1999). An investment model prediction of dating infidelity. Journal of personality and social psychology, 77(3), 509.
Greeley, A. (1994). Marital infidelity. Society, 31(4), 9-13.
Lișman, C. G., & Holman, A. C. (2021). Cheating under the Circumstances in Marital Relationships: The Development and Examination of the Propensity towards Infidelity Scale. Social Sciences, 10(10), 392.