My mom once told me that, early in her career, she had to confront her boss because he was paying a male intern more than her, despite being a full-time employee. She said it was because the intern had a college degree and was male, she was a woman without a college degree. My mom is one of the hardest workers I know, and her story will always stick with me.
It taught me from a very young age that, despite our hard work, our efforts as women will never be viewed the same way as our male counterparts. I thought that to be taken seriously, I needed to be the best at basically anything and everything. The reason that Taylor Swift has, and forever will be, one of my favorite artists is because she completely understands this feeling. It seems only fitting to reflect on Mother’s ability to accurately portray the lives of so many women for her birthday.
In my freshman year of college, journalism professors said to try every form of journalism and master it all so I would be able to do everything an editor may ask. As a woman, I knew this was a necessity and thought back to my mom; I had to be able to do anything to be able to market myself as a worthy employee.
I worked steadily throughout my freshman and sophomore years, sharpening my basic journalism skills like AP Style and interviewing professionals so I could potentially become a strong and reliable reporter for whatever company I found myself at.
But because I see myself as a mirrorball, I never let my stress show. I just change everything about me to blend in with the crowd — I like to make it look easy because I want people to wonder how I’m able to do everything at once.
I’ve always been obsessed with having a strong resume, and have consistently overbooked myself to extreme lengths. I had one internship and two different leadership positions last fall, two internships this past summer, and two internships, a writer position at Her Campus, and two leadership positions this fall semester. That’s all on top of a full-time class schedule, by the way.
I spent my semester running from trains to newsrooms, constantly juggling different assignments for different positions, and working until extremely late hours. The only person to actually understand my “I’m trying my best” era is Taylor.
If you asked me which Taylor song accurately describes my life, I would say “mirrorball.” I listen to it on every train ride back from one newsroom to another as a reminder that I’m trying my best, and sometimes that has to be good enough for me.
It feels like Taylor is speaking directly to me when she says “I’m still on that trapeze / I’m still trying everything / To keep you looking at me” because I’m constantly taking on new projects to keep the attention of any of my editors or managers I’ve had. I know that I’m constantly stretching myself thin in ways that aren’t the healthiest: I’m constantly on the verge of missing deadlines, and it takes me forever to finish a code script that I’m working on. I get extremely frustrated when things don’t go my way or when I make mistakes because I’m supposed to be great at everything I do. But because I see myself as a mirrorball, I never let my stress show. I just change everything about me to blend in with the crowd —I like to make it look easy because I want people to wonder how I’m able to do everything at once.
I constantly need to remind myself that my best is good enough, and I hope that I’ll actually believe that one day.
The truth is, as Taylor says, “I’ve never been a natural and all I do is try, try, try.” I wasn’t raised to be a quitter, and I will continue to work through whatever problem I face until I see a solution. However, I’ll never see myself as a top reporter or editor, no matter how many roles I’ve had or how many accolades I received.
I’ve had to remind myself that I am actually good at what I do and that something like a certain code not working doesn’t mean I’m a complete failure. In fact, there are so many other people my age who simply cannot do things that I find easy, like using Python to scrape some basic data.
Although I’m dreaming of the day when I have one real job instead of four jobs, I don’t think I’ll ever stop relating to “mirrorball,” as toxic as it may sound. I am constantly trying to be a manager’s dream and working myself until I’m literally shattering like a mirrorball.
While I appreciate my drive because I know it’ll help me in the long run, I am extremely exhausted. I constantly need to remind myself that my best is good enough, and I hope that I’ll actually believe that one day. To all of my fellow “trying my best” girlies, we’ll all make our way through whatever we’re going through with Taylor’s songs in clutch.