We’ve all been there. The talking stage with a potential partner who seemed promising…until they said or did something that just reeked of red flag energy. Maybe it was a shady reference to an ex, or they made it abundantly clear that they’re not willing to commit. If your first instinct was to block them and channel your inner Serena van der Woodsen by tossing your phone into the nearest trash can (à la that iconic Gossip Girl scene), congratulations! You’re already halfway into the Cut Them Off theory.
It’s always good to be on the lookout for red flags, but how many icks can you ignore until you’re deep into the relationship and too late to call it quits? We all rooted for “Chair,” the passionate — but often complicated — romance between Blair Waldorf and Chuck Bass at some point, but I would argue that Blair could’ve applied this practice to her life. The day Chuck slept with her enemy, Jenny Humphrey, the same day Blair came back to repair things between them? That should’ve been an instant cut-off moment. Instead, she kept coming back, proving that sometimes, even the most put-together queens can ignore their own best interests. The Cut Them Off theory says, no second chances, no last-minute redemption arcs. Just block, bless, and move on.
What is the Cut Them Off Theory?
To paint a better picture of the viral dating theory, the Cut Them Off strategy isn’t just a TikTok trend, it’s a means of protecting your peace. It explains that you should simply break things off with a partner or situationship if they can’t meet “small needs” within the relationship. The thought process behind it is that if your needs simply aren’t being met this early on, things will only get worse, so you should call it quits while you still can.
According to Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist, the theory may seem extreme, but it’s ultimately all about prioritizing your needs when necessary. “We should have our small needs represented as well,” she says. “If you always need to compromise on your small needs and never see them being fully respected, then it’s worth it to overlook your relationship and see if you have a bigger issue, such as your partner simply not respecting you.”
Is The Cut Them Off Theory Too Harsh?
To an extent, yes — at least according to Roos. “There will always be some parts that your partner struggles to meet you in, so it’s more about telling them what’s most important to you,” she says. “Accept that there will be things they can’t do because they’re not perfect, just as you aren’t.”
If you, too, have been victimized by a nonchalant partner or situationship (been there, done that), the Cut Them Off theory isn’t a crazy thing to consider. If a partner is ignoring your needs, even if it’s just smaller ones, it can signal greater problems down the road. And seriously, someone needs to tell these “nonchalant” people that it’s not cool to act like you don’t care.
How Do You Communicate To Your Partner That Your Needs Aren’t Being Met?
Communication is always the best first step to solving problems, especially in relationships. Roos had a particularly helpful lead-in for the conversation: “A great trick is to tell them by saying things like, ‘I feel very seen by you when you reply to my messages right away,’ instead of saying, ‘You always ignore my texts,’” Roos says. “This makes it easier to meet your needs as well as gives them a positive feeling around it. They make them feel good instead of giving them anxiety for not meeting your needs.”
When Should You Apply the Cut Them Off Theory?
To revisit the Gossip Girl analogy (I’m sorry Chair shippers!), another small instance where Blair should’ve taken a step back and reevaluated her relationship with Chuck was when he was willing to sacrifice her desires to earn her independence for the sake of making her his partner in his dreams of starting a burlesque club. Despite her insistence that people would only see her as “Chuck Bass’ girlfriend” rather than Blair Waldorf, he continued to ignore her wishes and love-bombed her.
“If they are making you look dumb or like a fool when you bring up your feelings, that’s another red flag that needs to be taken seriously,” Roos says. “If they don’t show any interest in talking with you about this and ignore the conversation, then that can also be a sign that you should cut them off and find someone who actually wants to meet your needs.”
So, is the Cut Them Off theory a little dramatic? Maybe. But so is desperately trying to keep a conversation going with someone who’s already shown you they don’t deserve your time. The truth is, relationships shouldn’t feel like guessing games or emotional gymnastics. If someone can’t meet your needs — big or small — in the early stages, there’s no reason to stick around hoping they’ll suddenly become boyfriend material by Season 4. You’re not Blair Waldorf waiting for Chuck Bass to keep it together. You’re the main character, and if they’re making you feel like you’re asking for too much, cutting them off isn’t cold, it’s character development. Trust your gut, keep your standards high, and remember that some people are better left on read… or out of your life entirely. XOXO.