I’ve been called a “bird.” Not to my face, exactly — but I know what I am. We dated for a few months, and then we broke up. That was almost three years ago, and somehow, it’s still not over. Not because we got back together — we haven’t, technically — but we never fully stopped speaking to each other either. It’s been three years of him disappearing and coming back, of me telling myself this time is different, and of both of us knowing it isn’t.
Most recently, I told him, out loud, that I would never speak to him again. Then, I did anyway. So yes, “bird” fits.
If you’ve been on TikTok, you’ve likely seen the term “bird behavior” flying about. In essence, it’s a slang term for a woman who goes back to someone bad for them — no matter how many times they’ve been told, or told themselves, not to.
It’s supposed to be funny, and sometimes it is. I’ve laughed at the memes that describe my life a little too well. But under the joke is something far more important: a man’s inconsistency, quietly rebranded as a woman’s flaw.
None of this is new, of course — just the same behaviors disguised in a new outfit. We’ve always had words for women who stay too long, want too much, feel too visible. Clingy. Delusional. Obsessed. Every one of them puts the problem’s origin inside the woman, completely separated from the toxic partner (usually a man) who also contributes to the dynamic.
“Bird” makes it sound like the problem is that I keep flying back. It doesn’t ask why there’s always somewhere to fly back to.
But what we’ve never had is an equally catchy word for the thing that keeps her there: There’s no slang for a man who gives just enough to be remembered and not enough to be held accountable. We don’t call that “hawk behavior.” We don’t call it anything. We just call it Tuesday.
But here’s what’s been bothering me: “bird” makes it sound like the problem is that I keep flying back. It doesn’t ask why there’s always somewhere to fly back to. It doesn’t ask what he’s doing, on his end, to keep the door open. The internet has a whole vocabulary for women who can’t let go. It doesn’t have one for men who never quite let anyone leave.
Here’s what actually kept me flying back: Not confusion, but comfort. Years of familiarity don’t disappear just because it never had a shape. It’s the messages that show up right when he misses me. The “I love you” that costs him nothing. The stories he watches from an account that doesn’t even follow me, like he’s still checking the air before he walks back in. None of that is nothing. It’s just not enough, and I’ve always known the difference, even while ignoring it.
Notice how much we have to explain to justify staying. Notice how little explanation the men’s side requires. I’m still in it, but maybe the real bird behavior isn’t mine. Maybe it’s a culture more comfortable with mocking a woman for wanting love than naming a man for withholding it.