Having conversations about sex can be hard, no pun intended. And if you’ve been seeing someone for quite some time, and they still haven’t been able to make you orgasm, then it might be time to have that conversation. It can be easy to feel awkward — or even embarrassed — about not finishing during sex, but getting candid as frequently as you get down and dirty is important.
Now, it’s worth noting that having an orgasm isn’t a guarantee every time you have sex. In fact, a hookup can be just as great without one. However, if you feel like your sexual needs aren’t quite being met, then you owe it to yourself — and your partner — to tell the truth. After all, if you’re not being honest about your sexual needs, how do you expect your partner to fill them?
But how do you start that conversation? And how do you get honest with your partner about unfulfilling sex without being rude, or making things awkward? I spoke to Lilithfoxx — a Board-certified sexologist, AASECT-certified sexuality educator, and relationship and intimacy coach — to learn how to tell your partner that you aren’t finishing during sex. And trust me, besties — you’ll wanna hear what she has to say.
Pick the right moment.
Declaring in the middle that you aren’t going to finish is probably not going to be the right move, but don’t feel like faking it or being completely silent is the only answer. “Sometimes a gentle, in-the-moment comment like ‘That feels great, but I don’t think I’m going to come this time’ can take the pressure off both of you,” says Lilithfoxx.
Find your voice and create the ability to have a conversation without having to have the conversation in that moment. She also says if you want to have a conversation later, be sure to “try to do it during a moment when you both feel relaxed and open, not rushed or defensive.”
Try to pick the right words, too.
Having a conversation about not finishing can feel super overwhelming. You need to voice your feelings without offending your partner or making them feel like they did something wrong. If you feel like you are struggling to know what to say, Lilithfoxx says to “start with ‘I’ statements and keep the tone gentle.”
Some phrases that might work well are, “I loved being close to you earlier. I didn’t actually finish, but I still really enjoyed it;” “I don’t always need to orgasm to feel satisfied, but I want to be honest when I don’t, just so we’re on the same page;” “It felt really good, but I think I need a different kind of stimulation to get there;” and “Can I show you what helps me finish next time? I think it would feel amazing for both of us.”
Why does this matter so much? “This kind of language keeps the focus on collaboration and intimacy rather than criticism,” Lilithfoxx says. “It lets your partner know you trust them enough to be real with them.”
Start exploring.
So, where do you go from here? Turns out, this conversation can be a great jumping-off point to start exploring sexually with your partner. “Framing it as an opportunity to explore together keeps the energy playful and collaborative instead of making it feel like a critique,” says Lilithfoxx. “Being able to talk openly about pleasure, even when you do not finish, builds trust and keeps the focus on connection rather than performance.”
Remember, the goal is not to criticize your partner, but rather to validate how you feel and make adjustments to make sex more pleasurable. “Telling your partner you didn’t finish is not a complaint, it’s an invitation to deepen your intimacy, learn more about each other, and grow together,” Lilithfoxx says. “When you can say it openly and without shame, it makes everything better in the long run.”