For many folks, there’s already a systemic, existing barrier when it comes to sex education. But for queer people, the barrier to comprehensive sexual education is just that much bigger. Because queer sex is rarely represented in sex education, it leaves a gap — scratch that — a chasm in knowledge about people’s bodies, their relationships, and the tools at everyone’s disposal. So, whether you’re about to have queer (or WLW) sex for the first time, a beginner who wants to learn the ropes a bit more, or just curious about the mechanics of queer sex, I teamed up with a sexologist to answer the biggest questions from our Her Campus community.
Ilana Grines is a queer sex therapist and a licensed marriage and family therapist at Daily Therapy Dose. Her work involves helping individuals and couples with desire, intimacy, body image, communication, and shame, all from a sex-positive, queer-affirming lens. In short, no question is TMI. “These are the kinds of questions I get in my office all the time, and I genuinely love answering them,” she says.
So, you asked, and Grines is here to answer. From how queer sex works, to how to manage your nerves before your first hookup, here are the answers our Her Campus community has been waiting to hear.
Leah*, 20: “I’ve never had sex with another girl before. How does it even work?”
When it comes to queer sex, there’s no cut-and-dry answer as to how to actually do it. “I love this question because the answer is honestly whatever feels good to both of you,” says Grines. “It can be oral, it can be touching, grinding, toys, mutual masturbation, making out, or just exploring each other’s bodies without any specific goal in mind.”
For queer folks specifically, sex is focused less on the herteronormative rules we’re typically taught in sex education. “I think a lot of people come into this with the idea that sex has to involve penetration to ‘count’ and that’s just not true,” Grines explains. “Once you let go of that sexual script, you realize how much room there actually is. Start where you’re comfortable and talk to each other as you go.”
Meg*, 21: “How do I calm my nerves when hooking up with another girl for the first time?”
Hooking up for the first time with anyone can be nerve-wracking — but if it’s your first time having sex in a queer relationship, that can come with a world of other feelings: Am I doing it right? What if it’s bad?
When it comes to nerves, the best thing you can do is recognize them — not stifle them. “Nerves are completely normal, and honestly, they usually mean this matters to you, which is a good thing,” says Grines. “You don’t have to know what you’re doing. Most people don’t know what they are doing their first time with anyone, regardless of gender.”
If you’re feeling expecially anxious or tense, don’t be afraid to vocalize it. “If you feel comfortable enough, just say it. ‘I’m nervous,” advises Grines. “It breaks the tension almost every time because the other person is probably feeling the exact same way. Go slow. There is truly no rush. The best first-time experiences I hear about are the ones where both people just gave themselves permission to figure it out together.”
Alex*, 24: “How do I practice safe sex in a WLW relationship?”
When it comes to sex, safety and consent should always be top-of-mind. “[Safe sex in queer relationships] is wildly under-discussed,” says Grines. “A lot of queer women never received real sex education that applied to them. STIs can absolutely be transmitted between women through oral sex, shared toys, and skin-to-skin contact.”
So, how do you stay protected? “In terms of what to actually use, dental dams for oral, cleaning toys between partners, or putting a condom on shared toys,” says Grines. “Getting tested regularly matters regardless of the gender of your partner. And having that conversation about testing and boundaries before things get physical — I know it feels awkward, but it can actually be a really connecting moment, and it builds trust.”
Sam*, 19: “How do I figure out who would be the ‘top’ and who would be the ‘bottom’ during WLW sex?”
Ah, the age-old question: Are you a top or a bottom? When it comes to queer sex, many folks feel the need to define themselves as a giver or a receiver. But for beginners (or anyone, really), Grines advises letting go of the labels. “A lot of people come into WLW sex thinking there needs to be assigned roles, and there really doesn’t,” says Grines. “Some people naturally lean toward giving, some toward receiving, and a lot of people go back and forth within the same encounter.”
The best course of action, according to Grines, is communicating with your partner. “What I’ve found is that the best thing you can do is talk about it openly and experiment without putting pressure on either person to be one thing,” she says. “If the labels feel useful to you, use them. If they feel like they’re boxing you in, let them go.”
Jo*, 22: “How do strap-ons work?”
Many WLW or queer couples can choose to wear a strap-on during sex to stimulate a partner through penetration. “A strap-on is basically a harness you wear around your hips that holds a dildo in place so one partner can penetrate the other,” says Grines. “In terms of getting started, go with a size that feels comfortable for the person receiving, use plenty of lube, and take it slow, especially the first time.”
Of course, communication is also key — especially when you’re working with sex toys. “The thing I always tell clients is that communication matters so much here because the person wearing the strap genuinely cannot feel what the dildo is doing,” Grines says. “So, checking in verbally is really important.”
Oh, and a final note? “Wearing a strap-on doesn’t make anyone ‘the man,'” Grines adds. “It’s just a tool, just like a vibrator or pillow to prop your hips.” Mic drop.
*Names have been changed.