In relationships, the last thing you ever want to feel is that you can’t be yourself. On TikTok, users are taking this feeling and turning it into a major trend, showing their fun, wild personalities alongside the words, “I would hate to be reined in.” And the meaning of being “reined in,” and the trend itself, is hitting a chord.
Set to Sam Fender and Olivia Dean’s song “Rein Me In,” thousands of creators have hopped on a trend that’s all about independence in their relationships. Sometimes, they’re lip-syncing the (absolute banger of a) song as they run on the beach. In other videos, they’re dancing on tables in a crowded bar, or compiling videos of silly moments with friends. Regardless of what the content is, the message of the trend shines through: I am who I am, and I don’t want a partner who makes me feel like less.
You know how, when you ride a horse, you use the reins to control their speed and direction? In the context of the trend, being “reined in” in a relationship follows that same idea: controlling, limiting, or restraining someone’s actions or behavior. (However, it’s worth noting that the song has a slightly different meaning: the singer, Fender, doesn’t want to be “reined in” by love, so it’s like an anthem for avoidant attachment styles.)
Sound familiar? Well, that’s a reason why the trend is so popular — it’s highlighting a huge red flag that so many of us have encountered before. “The ‘reined in’ trend is hitting a nerve because people are starting to name something they’ve felt but couldn’t articulate,” Ilana Grines, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Ilana Grines Therapy, tells Her Campus. “[That] love shouldn’t ask you to become less of who you are.”
The trend, while fun and viral and cute to watch, signifies a real fear when it comes to Gen Zers in relationships: being with a partner who doesn’t let them be themselves. After all, settling down with and committing to another person doesn’t mean that your spirit has to settle, too. “I see this a lot in my practice, one partner’s comfort slowly taking priority over the other partner’s autonomy, and neither person fully realizing it’s happening,” Grines says. “It shows up as guilt, criticism, jealousy, and emotional withdrawal — and the person being ‘reined in’ starts losing trust in their own instincts.”
It’s one thing to say you don’t want to be “reined in,” but it’s another to have it actually happen to you. If anything, in a relationship, signs that your partner is trying to dull your shine start out small. “It’s rarely as blatant as someone saying, ‘You can’t do that,'” Grines says. “It’s more like… they get cold when you make plans without them. They make little digs about your friends or how you dress, but disguise it as a joke.”
But the clearest sign? “You start editing yourself before [your partner] even says a word,” Grines says. “You stop wearing the thing, you cancel on the friend — not because they told you to, but because you’ve learned it’s easier. That’s when the reining in has already done its job.”
The popularity of the trend is indicative of the importance Gen Zers place on their individuality in relationships. Yes, being “reined in” and letting yourself experience true care and love is a fantastic thing — but not if it makes you change parts of yourself completely. “The strongest couples I work with aren’t the ones who agree on everything or do everything together; they’re the ones where both people can tolerate the other being a full, separate person — with their own friendships, opinions, interests, even the stuff that doesn’t totally make sense to them,” Grines says. “That’s not a threat to the relationship; it’s what makes it sustainable.”