We’ve all been there before — whether it’s with a partner, a situationship, or a casual hookup — you’re getting down and dirty with someone, and just when things start to heat up, it’s over almost as quickly as it began. People joke about it all the time: “They literally lasted two minutes,” and while it’s easy to laugh it off, what do you do when your partner finishes fast? Like, really fast?
The good news? This is a common issue, affecting 30% to 40% of people with a penis according to Cleveland Clinic. The bad news? You do have to communicate about this. But don’t worry! It’s not as scary as it seems. It can feel so awkward trying to bring up that conversation — I mean, WTF do you even say? “Last longer?” It’s definitely something that’s easier said than done, but it’s still an important conversation to have, especially if you want to maintain a good sex life with your partner.
If you’re struggling to find ways to get your partner to last longer, don’t freak out — I’ve got your back. I spoke with board-certified sexologist, AASECT-certified Sexuality Educator, and relationship and intimacy coach Lilithfoxx to figure out how exactly to communicate with your partner so you can up your sex game while avoiding the awkwardness at the same time.
Frame The Conversation Around Connection And Shared Pleasure.
Talking about this can be awkward — trust me, I get it. It can honestly be tricky trying to figure out what to say without feeling like you’re embarrassing your partner, but “the key is to frame the conversation around shared pleasure and connection, not performance,” Lilithfoxx explains.
According to Lilithfoxx, you should try to avoid language like “You’re finishing too fast” or “You need to last longer.” Instead, it’s best to approach the subject kindly. “The key is to frame the conversation around shared pleasure and connection, not performance,” she says. “Instead, focus on what you’d love to experience together.”
So, how do you do this? Implementing phrases such as “I love being with you, and I’d really like us to have more time to enjoy each other during sex. Can we explore some ways to stretch things out so we both feel even more satisfied?” is a surefire way to healthily communicate without making things awkward or uncomfortable, Lilithfoxx advises.
Explore Different Ways To Prolong Sex.
If you’re looking for ways to prolong sex, don’t worry, I’ve got you. There are so many different ways to make your partner last longer — it just takes some experimentation and figuring out what works best for the two of you. “Start slow. Build arousal gradually through touch, oral, or extended foreplay,” Lilithfoxx says. “The slower you warm up, the more time you both have to enjoy the experience.”
Foreplay Is Key.
Maybe you and your partner just need time to warm up. “If one partner tends to finish quickly, prioritizing foreplay can also take the pressure off intercourse to be the main event,” Lilithfoxx says. “When both partners are highly aroused and already experiencing pleasure through touch, oral sex, or toys, there’s less urgency around making intercourse last a certain amount of time.”
Whether you want the foreplay to be the center of your intimacy, or want to engage in a little less foreplay so your partner lasts longer during sex, it’s all about figuring out what works best for both of you.
Communication is key, and so is experimenting. Maybe some nights, you’ll want to stretch out the teasing and foreplay, while other nights, you might want to cut right to the chase. There’s no right or wrong answer about how to engage in intimacy with your partner — all that matters is what feels good, as long as you’re both on the same page.
Reframe The Idea That Sex Has A Specific Timeline.
When you reframe the pressure that sex has to be a specific length, “it frees up space to focus on connection and pleasure in the moment,” Lilithfoxx shares. “If intercourse ends sooner than expected, you can still continue to explore each other’s bodies through touch, oral sex, or toys.” Just because your partner finished doesn’t mean you don’t have to — it just means you have an opportunity to keep things fun and playful.
At the end of the day, sex isn’t a one-size-fits-all type of thing. Sometimes they’ll finish early — it happens. But with a little communication (and maybe even a round two), you can still turn a quickie into a full-blown performance. So get creative, experiment with the foreplay, fingers, and maybe even a toy or two, and have some great sex, bestie. You deserve it.