Talking about sex, periods, and our bodies have become more and more normal in recent years — but sometimes, due to societal shame, it can still feel pretty awkward. Overcoming sexual shame and taking yourself on the journey of empowerment sounds great in theory, but getting there can get a little intimidating. Luckily, for us, there are experts out there that can help, or at least empower us.
During the Our Bodies, Our Rights panel moderated by Heather Lovato (founder of rhythm) at the 2023 Her Conference, sex educator Tara Jones and psychiatrist Dr. Susan Park talked alongside Lovato about the importance of sexual empowerment… and looking at your clitoris.
For these women, masturbation has taken on a more empowered role than just pleasure — it has become a form of self-care. ICYMI, masturbation has proven benefits for physical and mental health, as well as being a way to explore your body to learn what brings you pleasure. The Her Conference panel was focused on empowering the audience to be comfortable talking about their bodies in every way — from periods, to masturbation, to sex.
Sexual Shame is totally normal.
Jones, the founder of The Youth Sexpert Program, recalled the sexual shame she’s experienced since a pretty young age, which was a direct link to her lack of sexual education at the time. “I remember being at a young age and feeling the societal pressures to engage in sex before I even knew my body,” Jones said at the panel. “I felt so strange that I was not orgasming from or enjoying penetrative sex.”
Jones assured the panel that sexual pleasure isn’t what the “movie scenes make it out to be,” and that 70 – 80% of women actually don’t experience orgasms from penetration alone.
This statistic allowed Jones to investigate pleasure as it pertains to people with a vagina — and led her to become “obsessed with the clitoris.”. (TBH, me too — the clit is amazing.) At the panel, Park, Lovato, and Jones encouraged women, and people with vaginas, to take the time to get to know their bodies below the belt. Because, believe it or not, there are tons of benefits from doing so.
It’s time to really start examining your vagina.
Growing up, you might have felt some shame when it came to your body, and experienced the all-too-familiar feeling of, “OMG, is this normal?” Whether it was periods, pain, or sex, the panelists all agreed that they felt they felt shame talking about these (extremely natural) things, and were forced to do research themselves.
“Shame is not internal and is not natural, it comes from somewhere,” says Jones. “It is something that was an unwanted gift that was bestowed upon us.”
Stop beating around the bush, and get on a first-name basis with your vagina.
Park encouraged listeners to focus on using the anatomically correct terminology when discussing their bodies to remove some of the shame and stigma.
“I try to have [my children] use more medical terminology,” says Park. “I say vagina, don’t say private parts.” In doing so, Park believes that her children may become more comfortable talking about their bodies, which opens the door to honest and empowering conversations rather than shame.
She also recommends finding a doctor you can be a team with, because to her knowledge is power, and having knowledge of your body helps eliminate the shame some women feel.
“Find a doctor who is going to provide you with the right information, who is going to listen to you and support you, and give you that education,” says Park.
Get comfortable talking about your vagina, especially when it comes to the bedroom.
The feeling of empowerment within women’s voices was a continued theme throughout the panel, Park encouraged listeners to advocate for themselves with their doctor, while Jones focused on advocating in the bedroom. She discussed how women often struggle to set boundaries because they focus on the other person’s feelings. Jones encouraged women to ask themselves what they would ask for while setting boundaries if the other person’s feelings were not a factor.
“Communication isn’t always easy,” says Jones. “But it is important.”
Lovato shared that her company rhythm was born out of that feeling of shame surrounding her period and annoying things like UTIs. She shared that she used to hide her tampons at the grocery store checkout line because she was embarrassed. She also discussed that this shame led her to feel uneducated about her body and, in return, sex as a whole
“I was told to pee after sex, it was like ‘OK, we both orgasmed, great’ and I had to get up,” Lovato shared. “Then I’d come back and be like ‘Can we cuddle now?’ But the moment was gone.”
However, Lovato was excited to see younger women grow comfortable with being empowered in setting boundaries in the bedroom. “We are constantly from kids being told how to behave,” Lovato says. “And you really do have to unlearn to prioritize yourself.”
Leaving the panel, I feel empowered to communicate within my relationship, and I know new methods to advocate for myself. My body is magical, and I am lucky to have it and be surrounded by such empowered folks that make me want to be better — for me, my body, and that magic place below the belt.