So, you’re trying to put your romance aside and remain friends with your ex… I hear you. While this may be a great way to preserve that shared history and genuine friendship you don’t want to let go of, it may be a difficult thing to navigate when a new partner enters the picture (because I don’t think they’ll be thrilled to hear you’re still vibing with your ex). Introducing your new partner to your ex can be pretty intimidating — but sometimes, it’s necessary.
The thing is that friendships with exes don’t have a great reputation. A lot of people think that two exes who are friends are just using it as an excuse to keep hooking up (exes with benefits, am I right?). But, this isn’t always the case. In fact, according to relationship therapist Dr. Debra Laino, it’s totally possible for exes to be friends — and your friendship doesn’t have to interfere with a new relationship. (Take it from my aunt who introduced my uncle to her ex and created the most inseparable bromance you’ll see.)
But what should you do if you’re still friends with an ex and start dating someone new? More specifically, how can you introduce them without any awkwardness or tension? Put those nerves to the side, bestie — here are five things you should remember before introducing your new partner to an ex.
Make sure there are no unresolved feelings.
This can be tricky because, according to Laino, “you can’t be 100% sure there are no romantic feelings in the beginning.” Sure, you can tell yourself that there isn’t, but your heart will always know before your head does.
“This will show itself through behavior and the boundaries being set. After some time, which will be different for everyone, the new partner will start to feel more confident that there are no feelings,” says Laino. “Or that there are.”
If you find that you’re experiencing a lot of emotions — whether it’s anger, care, attraction, or even a strong pull —toward your ex without necessarily knowing why, there’s a good chance you might have lingering romantic feelings for them, according to Laino.
“It’s important to work these feelings out prior to getting into another relationship so no one gets hurt,” says Laino. Trust me, this will save both you and your partner from unnecessary and strenuous fights.
Don’t wait to tell them.
While you want to wait for the right time to tell your new partner that you’re still friends with your ex, you also don’t want to wait too long. Any time you have an opportunity to bring it up naturally is the best way to go about it. This can even be before you and your new partner are officially together.
It’s all about being honest with your new partner, making sure they feel secure, and putting them first. “Communication is key,” says Laino. “Make sure there is a conversation about the state of the relationship with the ex and how the new partner feels about it.”
Of course, if your relationship with your new partner is fresh, you’re probably going to want to make sure it doesn’t come across as a big deal so it doesn’t scare them off (trust me, I’d do the same). But, you can still downplay it in a way that leaves no detail spared.
“Ask the new partner if there is anything they would like to see to make them feel happier and more secure,” says Laino.
Make sure your partner even wants to meet your ex.
The last thing you’re going to want to do is force the two of them to meet if they don’t want to. While having them meet might take some of the weight off your shoulders, you want to make sure that you’re putting your new partner first.
“They should meet so they feel more secure that nothing is happening,” says Laino. “But this is only if the new partner wants to meet the ex.”
You don’t want their introduction to feel awkward or mentally strenuous. So you’re going to have to decipher between what’s important to you, and what’s important to your partner. At the end of the day, if your partner doesn’t want to meet them, then they don’t want to meet them.
Sometimes it will take time for your partner to come around and get comfortable with the idea of meeting your ex. And when they do, you want to make sure they remain comfortable throughout the interaction.
It’s best to have them meet somewhere casual. “Introductions should be made in a non-threatening environment,” says Laino. This way, “it is less intimidating for your partner.”
You can (and should) have the two meet in a group setting where mutual friends are invited as well. This could be something like attending a house party or hosting a game night, whatever comes up first.
Afterward, make sure to follow up with your partner on how they’re feeling. You should do this every time you all get together (if it happens more than once). Because, I hate to break it to you, but the conversations about the ex will have to happen more than once to maintain healthy communication in your relationship.
Respect their boundaries.
For exes to be friends, “boundaries are the big deciding factor,” says Laino. This is going to vary from relationship to relationship, but the most important thing is that you listen to your partner’s concerns and practice the boundaries they set. You want to make sure that your partner feels as comfortable as possible before and while meeting your ex.
“The new relationship comes first and there should be some distance between the ex as a way to make the new partner feel more comfortable,” says Laino. “The ex should not be talked about in the new relationship and the new relationship should not be talked about with the ex.”
Otherwise, this could be seen as “emotional infidelity”, says Laino. To avoid emotionally cheating on your partner, respect their boundaries, and avoid opening up about your relationship with your ex.
Staying friends with your ex is healthy, and, if handled respectively, a great way for your new partner to connect with you and your past. And, you never know, maybe they’ll get along as well as my aunt’s ex and her husband.