To spit or to swallow? That is the question. This age-old conundrum is often answered, not by our wants or needs, but by pressures from partners, porn, and popular media. The “spitters are quitters” mentality leaves many folks feeling the heat to swallow their partners’ semen, even if it makes them want to reject it altogether. Let’s face it: swallowing isn’t for everyone, and there’s no shame in that. (Even spitting is kinda hardcore. What happened to doing it in a tissue?) So, if you want to go on strike from swallowing without messing up the mood, here are a few tips on how to make it happen from your friendly neighborhood sex educator (and some sexperts, too).
As a sex educator, I get asked a lot of questions. “When should I get a pap smear?” “Where is the clit?” You know, the usual stuff. But the most frequent question I am asked is “How do I spit instead of swallow?” And it’s usually phrased more like a cry for help. When I first read these questions, my instinct was to say, “Just spit it out,” and leave it at that. But I know it’s not always that simple; sex never is.
It can be hard for some of us to change it up because of shame, fear of rejection, or stress about hurting our partner’s feelings. “Remember that it’s fully okay to not want to swallow,” says sexologist at Passionerad and sex therapist Sofie Roos. “Sex should always feel great for all participants — before, during, and after the act.” So, if swallowing isn’t your jam, don’t panic. Here are three tips to help you spit instead of swallowing, without killing the mood.
Have a tissue box on standby.
It’s quite the conundrum when your partner has finished, and you want to spit it out, but have nowhere to spit it. Do you spit it on the bed or back on your partner? Do you run to the bathroom- even if the roommates are around? Most of us just bite the bullet and swallow. So before you go downtown on your partner, grab the essentials. “Have a glass of water ready, something to spit in, toilet paper or a wet-wipe at reach, and maybe even a bubble gum [wrapper] if you like,” suggests Roos. “If you instead prefer to go to the toilet, then do it without it turning into a big scene, so just casually go there!”
Don’t be afraid to let your partner know.
This step is optional, because it’s your body and you can spit if you want to. I just can’t help recommending that you have a candid conversation. I think this step is especially important if you have a long-term sexual partner, with whom you always swallow. This way, the experience isn’t thrown off.
If you decide to talk to your partner, it’s best to phrase it kindly. “Don’t make them feel bad by telling them how gross it is,” says sexologist Arielle Zadok. “But be honest about your boundaries. It’s not like swallowing ice cream or a smoothie, so a bad taste shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone.”
Make it sexy.
Spitting can be just as sexy as swallowing. I recommend making eye contact and licking them clean. They’re going to be thinking about how you made them feel right then, not whatever happened after. And if the act of spitting feels like a mood killer, don’t be afraid to turn around for a second to spit and then dive right back in for aftercare.
Ultimately, this issue comes down to sexual autonomy. It’s great to want to please your lover, but not at the expense of your experience.
If you are in the middle of sex, thinking, I hate doing this, that is a problem. So do what you have to do to work up some confidence: play Megan Thee Stallion, watch the Barbie movie, and spit!