Growing up, my mom had two mottos she’d repeat to my older sister, Julia, and me on a daily basis. The first was passed down from generations of women in my family, all the way from my great-grandmother: “Never rely on a man.” The second speaks for itself: “When you get into your 30s, freeze your eggs.”
Yes, I’m serious; she still says that all the time.
Although these mottos went over my head for most of my teenage years, I’ve realized how profound my mom’s advice really is as I’ve grown older. Being a young woman is nothing short of difficult, and it’s almost impossible to completely diverge from society’s outdated views on sex positivity. But there’s a reason both my sister and I grew up to be such strong, sex-positive women, and that’s because of my mom.
I vividly remember getting “the talk” in grade one, as I’m sure you do — although my experience was different than usual. My mom had my sister (who was in grade four at the time) explain what sex was instead of sitting me down herself. I now understand her goal was not only to teach me, but also to confirm my sister’s understanding.
I know what you’re thinking: Grade one? That’s so early! But the fact is, I’d already vaguely known what sex was through murmurs from friends and allusions on TV, and sex education needs to happen at some point.
The fact is, most people I tell this story to can’t believe I talk to my mom about sex or orgasms, much less that she’s giving me advice about them.
As a psychiatrist, my mom works harder than anyone I know. She’s always been her own boss and has built an equal partnership with my dad. Having a passionate, successful woman to look up to all my life helped me realize my own potential. On top of that, I’ve always been more assertive and opinionated, opposing standards that constantly tell women to be polite, not get too loud or angry, and “act like a lady.” But neither of my parents ever shut me down, especially my mom. Her expertise in relationships and technical knowledge of women’s reproductive health also led to a healthy, sex-positive environment I’ve unfortunately rarely seen reciprocated in other families.
Although it may seem like I would’ve been comfortable going to my mom when I began exploring the world of hookup culture, I was initially quite private. My sister, however, always confided in my mom about her romantic life, because she consistently provided helpful, actionable advice that emphasized our well-being above anything.
I later learned how valuable it would be to keep her in the loop. When I entered my first long-term relationship at 18, I navigated several new decisions my mom helped me out with, including starting the birth control pill. (And she’s now on my case about getting an IUD, something I know I should get around to.) But I’ll never forget one moment about five months into the relationship, when my mom said to me, “You have a partner now. It’s not just about his pleasure, and sex shouldn’t just be about pleasing the man. That means you should be having orgasms, or at least enjoying sex.”
As I’ve grown up, I’ve needed my mom’s professional advice more and more — that’s a debt I won’t ever be able to repay.
Albeit a bit awkward in the moment, this is something I wish every mother told their daughter — especially given the large sum of women who neglect to prioritize their own pleasure. The fact is, most people I tell this story to can’t believe I talk to my mom about sex or orgasms, much less that she’s giving me advice about them.
Perhaps the most difficult health experience of my life was one I truly couldn’t have endured without my mom: Undergoing a hymenectomy, a small surgery on my hymen, in my first year of college. She was there through it all — calming me down as I cried after learning I’d need surgery, and holding my hand as I sat through the procedure. I grew to feel unashamed, a feeling that often goes along with having an “imperfect” (or in technical terms, imperforate) hymen.
As I’ve grown up, I’ve needed my mom’s professional advice more and more — that’s a debt I won’t ever be able to repay. I owe much of my happiness and health to her, particularly when it comes to sex positivity. I feel endlessly grateful to have her as a role model.
And this sentiment won’t end anytime soon. She still spends every day helping women as they go through various life stages, and she’s pioneering a revolution of support for menopausal women after generations of silence. That means when I go through menopause in 30 years, she’ll be there to educate and help me like she has all these years — and I wouldn’t want it any other way.