Sometimes, the romantic relationships that impact us most are the messiest ones. And while there is stability in those relationships that are without conflict, some of us (don’t look at me, OK) crave the complexities of a relationship rollercoaster. And that’s where the “he is stable, you are deep” TikTok trend comes in.
You might have seen it — and felt it deep in your bones, thinking “I should call them?” — during your late-night FYP scroll. The trend features thousands of takes on the pop culture relationships (like Ross and Rachel from Friends or Lucas and Payton from One Tree Hill) that users deem “stable” and “deep,” accompanied by a Lizzy McAlpine song with the lyrics, “He is stable, you are deep.” Of course, in true internet fashion, TikTok creators are also taking an abstract approach to the trend — comparing these relationships to things like college majors and soup preferences.
If you’re still confused about what it all means — and where the trend came from in the first place — I gotchu. Relationships expert, educator, and co-host of The Coupled Podcast Nari Jeter, LMFT, PhD, broke the trend down for us — and, as you can imagine, it gets pretty deep.
“He is stable, you are deep” meaning, explained
So, what do “stable” and “deep” mean in relationships, and in this trend? “A stable relationship is predictable and consistent — this relationship feels safe because ‘what you see is what you get,’ and there doesn’t seem to be any hidden surprises,” she explains. “Usually, people who are stable don’t have drastically-varying moods or emotional expression.”
A “deep” relationship, on the other hand? According to Jeter, it’s “often characterized by a lot of emotional vulnerability, sharing, and intensity.” She adds, “In a deep relationship, there may be elements of mystery and intrigue as you continue to try to figure out a partner. This ‘figuring out’ process can be exhilarating, as it is like slowly unwrapping a gift.”
If you need an example, think Jeremiah (stable) and Conrad (deep) — both relationships have their own strengths, and some may say Jeremiah’s stability is healthier than the complexities of Belly and Conrad, but it’s that chemistry and turbulence that make it harder for Belly to let go of Conrad.
This trend, according to Jeter, illustrates the complexities in relationships. “[It’s] about two different needs we can have in relationships: relationship stability (predictability, consistency, safety) and relationship depth (vulnerability and intimacy),” she says. “These are actually two very important needs, and seem to be emerging more on the scene in social media and current relationships as people become more emotionally intelligent and self-aware.”
Where is “He is stable, you are deep” originally from?
Sad music lovers, rise. The lyrics “he is stable, you are deep” are originally from Lizzy McAlpine’s 2024 song “Pushing It Down and Praying.” And if you thought those lyrics cut hard, the entire phrase itself is like a knife to the heart: “Softer, harder, in between / You know just how to get to me / He is stable, you are deep / I know just how to get what I need.”
It’s kind of the perfect song if you need a soundtrack for a good cry sesh.
So, which is better? “Stable” or “deep?”
Honestly, it all comes down to you and your needs. “I don’t believe one is healthier than the other, and having both qualities in the relationship would be ideal,” says Jeter. “Someone who experienced trauma may need a stable relationship for their own emotional safety. However, someone who has a secure attachment style may be okay with some instability but crave more depth.”
She adds, “It’s important to know yourself and gauge where you fall on these two needs. I will say that depth can end up feeling more passionate and intimate to some people — but if the depth is chaotic, it can feel unstable/unsafe. I don’t think these two are exclusive of each other — it’s about finding the right combination.”
And if you don’t know which one is better for you? Well, that boils down to communication. “It’s important to talk with your partner about what stability and depth mean in a relationship,” Jeter says. “Some people are open to more depth, but just don’t know how to do it — or feel safe doing it. Both relationship stability and depth can be learned and nurtured in a relationship, especially long-term relationships. My clinical experience is that even if relationships have depth, if they don’t feel stable, people tire of the instability over time.”