We’ve all been there. Your best friend was dating someone, and right away, something felt off. Maybe it’s the way they speak to your friend, their behavior, or just a gut feeling that something isn’t right. You want to say something, but how do you do it without coming across as controlling, judgmental, or like you’re trying to ruin their happiness? It is a tricky line to walk, especially if you care about the friendship as much as your best friend.
It’s also common to notice the little things that make you pause: maybe your friend is starting to say things that don’t sound like them, or they’re sharing experiences that have raised red flags. Maybe you’ve observed moments that concerned you, like controlling behavior, dismissive comments, or repeated actions that are off, even if they are small. These moments can be subtle, but they can stick with you, which makes you question whether or not speaking up is worth a potential tension in the friendship. However, staying silent might feel disingenuous or emotionally taxing because you care about your friend and want to be safe and happy in the relationship.
The situation isn’t just about your friend’s relationship; it’s also about your relationship with them. You’re trying to find a balance between being supportive and honest, which is the first step before even thinking about saying a word to them.
Take some time to self-reflect.
Before you even open your mouth, it’s important to ask yourself why you feel this way. Victoria Murray, LCSW, a psychotherapist who works with people who are navigating self-doubt and people-pleasing, suggests, “When deciding if it’s appropriate to talk to your best friend about your issues with their partner, it’s always important to do some self-reflection first: Why do you not like them? Is the reason more superficial, or are you concerned about your best friend’s physical or emotional safety?”
It’s easy to assume your discomfort means something is wrong with the relationship, but sometimes we project our own insecurities or preferences onto our friend’s choices. Ask yourself: are you noticing objective behaviors that genuinely concern you about the relationship, or is it just a personality clash that does not work with you? Have you seen certain patterns in the relationship that feel controlling, emotionally harmful, or dismissive? Has your friend said things that don’t align with your usual voice, or have they hinted that they’re uncomfortable?
Understanding the why behind your feelings can help you approach the conversation with clarity and logic instead of emotion, and the clarity will prevent unnecessary friction in the relationship with your friend.
Then, talk about it.
Once you process your thoughts, the next step is figuring out how to bring them up. Madeline Phelan, LMSW, a dating and relationship therapist in New York City, recommends leading with curiosity instead of judgment.
Instead of bluntly saying, “I don’t like your partner,” try something like: “Hey, I noticed [partner’s name] said/did [action], and I wanted to check in with you. I would feel [hurt, upset, offended] if that happened to me. How did it make you feel?”
This brings your concerns and observations instead of accusations, and also shows that you care about your friend’s perspective. It’s important not to jump to conclusions or repeat things that you’ve heard from others; it’s important to stick to what you’ve actually seen or what your friend has shared with you.
It’s also worth asking reflective questions such as: “Have you noticed [behavior]?” or “Has this made you feel uncomfortable in any way?” These open-ended questions give your friend space to share honestly without feeling attacked. The goal isn’t to control their choices in a relationship; it’s to make sure that they are aware of potential red flags and know that you are a safe person to talk to.
Here’s how to move forward.
Even if you approach the conversation with care and mindfulness, your friend might not react the way that you hope. They could deny the behavior, reassure you that everything is fine, or simply brush off your concerns. Murray points out, “If your friend does not take your advice, which often happens, it’s important to remind yourself that you’ve communicated your concerns, and that’s all you can really do.”
Sometimes, a friend needs to experience consequences firsthand before realizing the full picture. If the conversation goes poorly, Phelan suggests giving the friendship some breathing room, and if necessary, apologizing for overstepping, while reiterating that your intentions come from care, not judgment.
Ultimately, navigating a friendship when you don’t like your friend’s partner can be emotional, exhausting, or messy. But by reflecting on your motives, approaching a conversation with open-mindedness, and respecting your friend’s autonomy and your own emotional boundaries, you can speak your truth without turning a close friendship into a fractured one.