My 94-year-old grandmother was sick all throughout November and December of last year, and it felt like we were just counting down our last days with her. She died on Dec. 15, 2022, just 10 days before Christmas. Our holiday was spent in a house that had zero decorations except for one fake mini tree a friend gave us, and we bought minimal gifts last year.
It was incredibly hard to even think about the holiday during this time, I just couldn’t imagine a Christmas without my grandmother. It was an extremely somber holiday because her death was still fresh in all of our minds. It’s been almost one year since she passed, and I still have a hard time thinking about celebrating without her; it’s hard not to look at things like her designated seat at the dinner table and not get irritated when someone else sits there.
Grieving during the holidays, unfortunately, isn’t anything new. It’s something that most people have to cope with every year. While grief is not something you should ignore at all, it’s something you can learn to cope with. I spoke with two experts — Adam Zagha and Leah McMahon — and here’s what I learned about grief during the holiday season.
Acknowledge your grief.
This was probably the most difficult thing for me to do. My grandma died at the beginning of finals season and at the end of my internship, it just felt like I didn’t have time to grieve. However, it’s important to “Give yourself permission to have good days and bad days, and be patient with yourself,” says Adam Zagha, the owner of Numa Recovery Centers.
It can also be an extremely stressful period while grieving. My mom was trying to set up memorial service arrangements as soon as possible before the holidays, and I tried to help out at home as much as I could by making us dinner and doing some chores around the house. It was a burden for both of us, but we still checked in on one another.
“It’s important to take care of your mental health during this period, as there is a higher risk of being triggered into unhealthy or unhelpful behaviors,” says Leah McMahon, the chief clinical officer at Symetria Recovery. “People are under a lot of pressure, and it’s not always easy to make the best choices.”
Acknowledging your grief doesn’t have to mean completely shutting down the holidays though. My grandma loved to dance and laugh with the people she loved, and her general positivity is something I think most people remember about her.
Although no one in my family was thrilled about the holidays, we still tried to make the most of it and have a good time together. We knew that my grandma wouldn’t have wanted us to have a silent, depressing meal together.
It’s common to feel guilty about celebrating the holidays after a death, but joy and grief can coexist, Zagha says. “Give yourself permission to experience moments of happiness and celebration without feeling guilty,” Zagha explains. “Remember that it is okay to find moments of joy, even amidst grief.”
It sounds easier than it might feel, but even watching your favorite holiday movie can help lift your spirits a bit. I know the movie Four Christmases and literally every Harry Potter movie got me through my grieving last year.
Create new memories
It can be hard to create new memories while grieving during the holiday season. Last year we spent our holiday reading through my grandmother’s sixth-grade class journal; we read at least two pages every day and joked about how we finally understood why her report card said she wasn’t the most calm, or respectful, student.
“Implementing special traditions in honor of your loved one can provide comfort and a sense of connection during the holidays,” Zagha says. “Some recommendations include lighting a candle in their memory, creating a memory jar or scrapbook, or participating in an activity that your loved one enjoyed, such as baking their favorite holiday treat.”
This year we’re spending our holiday combing through old photographs ranging all the way back to the early 1920s. Although it’s bittersweet to see photos of my grandma throughout the years, I try to reflect on the fact that she lived life to the fullest and made an impact on so many people.
It’s important to remember that you’re not alone during this time, and help is going to be there if needed.
“Talking to a mental health professional can be really helpful,” McMahon says. “Be kind to yourself as you process your grief and remember it’s okay to put yourself first sometimes.”
As someone who was grieving during the holidays last year, I can tell you it isn’t an easy experience. There were some days I wanted to ignore the holidays altogether, but I knew my grandmother would have wanted me to make the most of my time with my family. Grieving during this season can be extremely complicated, but it’s important to remember you’re not alone and it can be helpful to lean on friends, family, or a therapist.
If you or someone you know is seeking help for mental health concerns, visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) website, or call 1-800-950-NAMI(6264). For confidential treatment referrals, visit the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) website, or call the National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP(4357). In an emergency, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255) or call 911.