During my junior year of college, I found myself in a situationship with Peter*, a boy I met at a party. After a few weeks of intimate sleepovers and constant texting, he told me that he really liked me and spending time with me, but he wasn’t in a position to commit to a relationship. And, honestly? I was fine with it at first — I’d just gotten out of a relationship and needed some time to breathe before getting into another.
With this, we set two boundaries: We had to tell each other if one of us had sex with another person, and we weren’t allowed to be emotionally intimate with anyone else in the way we were with each other — like watching “our” show, FaceTiming for hours, and cuddling. Inevitably, after months of talking about our future and sharing intimate moments I’d never experienced with long-term boyfriends, I realized I’d caught feelings for him.
There were definite red flags, but I would just overlook them: He’d cancel plans at the last minute, but I’d convince myself that he was just busy with homework. And when my roommates would see him at parties with other girls, he’d promise me that they meant nothing to him — and I believed him.
So, when Peter invited me to his frat semi-formal after almost a year of seeing each other (without any sort of label or commitment, mind you), a small part of me wondered if he had caught feelings for me, too. He told me how excited he was to spend the entire night with me, and I was nervous — but also excited — to finally meet his entire social circle. I slept over afterwards, making sure all of his friends saw me wearing his pajamas. I looked at pictures of us from that night for hours, with my head on his shoulder, his arm on my waist, both of us with beaming smiles. There’s no other word to describe how I felt other than special. That is, until we FaceTimed a few weeks later.
After that, it felt like Peter could do anything he wanted to me, and I’d forgive him as long as he apologized.
“Something really funny happened the weekend of my semi-formal, but it’s low-key really messed up, and I’d feel so bad if I told you,” Peter laughed. I was so confused — to me, the whole night was perfect. After pushing and prying, he finally told me what happened: I was one of three girls to spend the night that weekend, back-to-back-to-back.
After seeing how upset I was, he apologized, told me how much I meant to him, and promised to change. For weeks, he’d send paragraphs upon paragraphs begging me to stay, so I did. After that, it felt like Peter could do anything he wanted to me, and I’d forgive him as long as he apologized — especially because I continued to stay with (and sleep with) him for four months.
Then, one day, I broke. He had asked me, “If I dated another girl and things didn’t work out, could I come back to you?” I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t want to fully crash out and scream in front of him, so I just asked him about her. What made her so different that he wanted to date her, especially after claiming for months that he didn’t want a relationship?
Turns out, Peter didn’t even know why he liked her — except that she supposedly had only slept with one other person, which, to him, made her “special.” I knew that I wouldn’t be able to mentally take the possibility of him actually committing to another girl when he couldn’t treat me right after 14 months. So, finally, after weeks of overthinking and crying as he gave me constant reassurance, I ended things with him — only to find out that he became exclusive with her a matter of days after I broke things off.
I know that my situationship, and the way it made me feel, isn’t a unique experience. According to a Her Campus survey of over 800 Gen Zers, 81% of respondents said that they’ve been in one before. Plus, a majority of those who have experienced a situationship said that it negatively impacted their views on sex (58%) and relationships (61%) going forward.
And that it did. For a few months afterward, I distracted myself with other guys to numb the heartbreak. I’d either ghost a guy once things got too serious for my liking, or I’d start being toxic and mean until they cut me off. But eventually, it came to a point where I realized I needed to be alone.
While my situationship with Peter was the one that broke me, it wasn’t my first time dealing with a toxic partner. I got into my first toxic relationship at age 16 and hadn’t slowed down after: I’d spent six years in and out of relationships, talking stages, and situationships, and had completely centered my entire life around men. The way I disregarded toxic behavior ruined the way I looked at relationships and, in turn, how I looked at myself and what I deserved.
I’m just a girl full of love waiting for the right person to give it to, but in the meantime, I’m going to commit and give all of my love to myself — because I deserve it.
After I ended things with Peter, I went from crying every day, to crying once every few weeks, to eventually not crying at all — over him or any other man. I had so much more time to do things that I loved when I wasn’t spending all of my mental energy focused on someone else who wouldn’t even treat me with the love and care I treated him with. And while I still haven’t gotten back into the dating game, it’s by choice: I know that the right person will come to me when the time is right, but for now, I’m enjoying life single and situationship-less — something I haven’t experienced in years.
Almost an entire year later, I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m still not over it. I don’t think I ever will be. I’m petrified of finding myself in a toxic relationship again, but spending time with myself has been so comforting. It’s freeing being able to spend my energy on things that are actually worth caring about — school, my friends, reading, nature, and my family.
I know I’m not going to be single forever, but I am being more intentional with who I choose to share myself with. I’m no longer someone who surrounds themselves with toxicity, gushes over the bare minimum, or centers their entire life around men and validation. I’m someone who has finally found her identity and who she truly is on the inside. I’m just a girl full of love waiting for the right person to give it to, but in the meantime, I’m going to commit and give all of my love to myself — because I deserve it.
*Names have been changed.