For most of my life, I had a major misconception about sex, relationships, and attraction. I used to believe that if someone was physically attracted to you and wanted to have sex with you, that meant that they were also romantically attracted to you and wanted to date you. Growing up, my parents taught me that sex was done between two people who loved each other, and that when I lost my virginity, it should be to someone who loved me. So, I had always assumed that if you had sex with someone, that automatically meant that you were romantically interested in them and would eventually end in a serious, committed relationship. However, during my junior year of college, everything I believed about sex and love changed.
I was in a serious relationship at the start of my junior year and didn’t expect us to break up — but we did. The distance between us and being in different stages of our lives made my then-partner and I realized that we just weren’t compatible. We ended on good terms, and I planned to take time to heal — but life had other plans for me, and shortly after we ended things, I met the first guy I would ever hook up with.
It all started the night of my first pre-game. I remember being slumped in an elevator and drunk texting the group chat of the student organization I was part of at the time. I had made some stupid joke about locking in and sending my mom a seemingly sober text, then asked one of the guys in the group chat to call me a “good girl” (embarrassing, I know). But little did I know that my drunk shenanigans caught someone’s eye.
I struggled to understand how he could do those things without actually wanting to date me.
After dealing with a nasty hangover that morning, I texted the group chat apologizing for my behavior before texting them as usual. I ended up making friends with two of the guys in the group — not because I was seeking anything, but because I was just trying to meet new people and make more friends. One of the boys — Tony* — and I ended up getting along and becoming friends. Over the course of the next few days, we started talking more, and eventually, he started flirting with me.
I was slightly confused. Did he like me? I barely knew him — what was going on? Despite my confusion, I ended up flirting back and found that flirting with a stranger — someone I barely knew — was fun. It gave me a rush I hadn’t felt in ages, and I loved it.
A couple of conversations and sex jokes later, we were making plans to hang out. I had suggested meeting up somewhere in a campus cafe to study, while Tony suggested hanging out in my dorm instead. Even though I’d never hooked up with someone before in a casual, no-strings setting, I knew where this was going. Between the clear chemistry and flirting, it was obvious what was going to happen.
I was nervous to meet Tony in person. Texting him was one thing, but actually seeing him in person was another. But my nervousness disappeared once I saw him in my dorm lobby. Once he saw me, his eyes lit up, and he gave me a hug. We eased into conversation, and I led him up to my room.
As his hand stroked my hair and ran down my back as I did my homework, I knew more and more where this was headed. Was I nervous? Hell yes, but I also felt like it was a fun risk to take. After a bit of studying, we ended up in my bed. What started off as us cuddling turned to us kissing and him undoing the button of my jeans.
After our first hookup, he began calling me sweet pet names and made plans to see me again. Being naive, I started to think that maybe he liked me and that there was something between us. I ended up getting attached to Tony — maybe a little too attached. Looking back on it, I now realize that this was typical FWB behavior, but at the time, I thought we’d eventually end up together and that he was falling for me, too. I ended up confessing my feelings for him and was caught by surprise when he apologized for leading me on. He explained to me that he liked me as a person and enjoyed being sexual with me, but wasn’t romantically interested in me.
Once I realized that hooking up with someone didn’t mean I owed them commitment or a relationship, I felt more comfortable exploring not only other people, but myself, too.
I was confused. But what about the nicknames? The kissing? The way he held me afterwards? Did none of it mean anything to him as it did to me? I struggled to understand how he could do those things without actually wanting to date me.
A couple of weeks later, I ended up hooking up with a friend from high school and found myself in a similar situation I was in with Tony. I got my heart broken again, and this time, I actually took the time to reflect on my relationships and what was happening.
I started to notice that the people who were sexually interested in me were oftentimes not romantically interested in me, and began to realize that maybe these feelings weren’t exclusive. Eventually, these casual hookups led me to realize that there was nothing wrong with that — and I felt a lot freer to explore my sexuality. Once I realized that hooking up with someone didn’t mean I owed them commitment or a relationship, I felt more comfortable exploring not only other people, but myself, too.
In a way, college hookup culture made me realize a lot of what I believed was wrong — and that sex, relationships, and attraction were more complicated and complex than I thought. College also taught me that sex isn’t always about closeness and intimacy — sometimes, it’s just about experiencing something new, feeling pleasure, and having fun, no strings attached.
*Names have been changed.