The summer before I started university was spent on Pinterest, creating vision boards of my perfect college experience: pins of girls in leather tops and sequin skirts going out late, crowded college parties, and inspiration for photos to take with large friend groups. However, as an autistic woman, I quickly learned that the “normal” college experience wasn’t in the cards for me.
Navigating growing up while having autism was difficult at times; I never had a lot of friends, felt like an outcast, and developed social anxiety. My experience growing up also affected my self-perception; even though I knew realistically that I had grown as a person and improved when it came to socializing, I still saw myself as socially anxious and awkward. I had hoped that college would change that.
In the fall of 2024, I moved on campus and began college at the University of Houston. Starting university was going to be a different experience from going to community college, and it made me both nervous and excited. I knew college held so much potential for me, and I hoped that it would be during these years that I would be able to experience new things, find my people, and bloom into the person I was meant to be. I hoped to spend my days being a high-achieving student and my nights at crowded college parties dancing the night away.
Socializing was still difficult for me, even though I believed I had grown out of my “socially awkward” phase.
Even though it was a bit scary to step outside of my comfort zone socially, I knew it was important for me to do so. I joined student organizations to try to meet new people and socialize more. Additionally, I ended up joining a friend group that was larger than I was used to — but I ended up finding that socializing was still difficult for me, even though I believed I had grown out of my “socially awkward” phase.
I found myself trying to be “normal” to fit in with my peers, masking, and overthinking. I also worried that people were perceiving me as being awkward and out of place as well. It quickly became apparent to me that, despite wanting so badly to be part of a large social circle and wanting a lot of friends, it ultimately wasn’t for me. Part of me was sad about it, but another part of me was glad that I had figured this out about myself.
I didn’t let this become a roadblock when it came to trying to live the full college experience, though. I attempted to go to a few parties, but I always found myself feeling out of place and anxious. To try to ease the feeling, I tried drinking. At the time, I thought that my drinking was just a part of the college experience; initially, I liked how I felt when I drank because it made me feel less anxious and in my head. But looking back at it, drinking was really just a way to mask and feel like I fit in with the people around me.
In trying to experience everything I thought was part of college life, I always ended up feeling performative when I tried to be “normal.”
Even though I was experiencing the things I wanted to and thought were part of the college experience, I slowly started to realize these things weren’t actually fun for me. Even though I really wanted to socialize, party, and go out, I realized that instead of having fun, these things made me anxious. I felt like in these situations, I had to mask and hide my authentic self to fit in and be perceived as “normal.”
It was then that I realized that the normal college experience wasn’t for me. In trying to experience everything I thought was part of college life, I always ended up feeling performative when I tried to be “normal.” I realized that I couldn’t push myself to enjoy and romanticize something that always left me feeling anxious and drained.
Just because I couldn’t enjoy typical college experiences didn’t necessarily mean that I was missing out on a “real” college experience; I could still have a good college experience made out of the things that felt more like me — things that made me feel like I can be my full, authentic self without hiding anything.
I just needed to find my people — people who are aware of my condition and are willing to take the time to understand me.
So, even if I couldn’t be a part of the large friend groups I originally wanted, I found that what worked better for me was having a few, but very, very good friends. I was always scared that I’d never be able to find my people due to my autism and social anxiety, but that wasn’t true; I just needed to find my people — people who are aware of my condition and are willing to take the time to understand me. I am so lucky to have been able to find my closest friends; they are some of the kindest, most patient people I know, and I am so grateful for them.
I’ve learned that what works for me is going out with my friends and hanging out with them one-on-one since I get overwhelmed easily. I’ve also learned that I do better in less stimulating, crowded environments and that what fulfills me is having more laid-back hangouts and deep conversations.
I graduate in May, and my college experience was nothing like I had imagined for myself — but I learned to accept that my college experience won’t be the same as everyone else’s. Because, at the end of the day, all that really mattered was that the experience was mine.