I had an exam in my Intimate Relations class on Valentine’s Day last year. While it felt like a slap in the face because I wasn’t having an intimate relationship with anybody, this article isn’t a bitter confessional about how there is no use in looking for love anymore and that staying single is more beneficial.
Countless videos of people being passive-aggressive to couples and wishing them well for Valentine’s Day flood my feed as soon as the clock strikes midnight on February 1st. The month of love isn’t all that loving to everyone. I’ll admit that I’ve liked my fair share of funny videos jokingly trashing on happy couples. While I do enjoy this type of content, I also genuinely wish a happy and healthy Valentine’s Day to those who were fortunate enough to find love. And to those who remain chronically single for another year, just have a drink until Valentine’s is over. Stay safe out there.
Fairytales have been on my mind a lot with February 14 looming closer with each cold, passing day. Roxane Gay is a favourite author of mine and I bought her book Bad Feminist two summers ago. I recently found the book buried in my basement book stash and I decided to give it another read. In the chapter “The Smooth Surfaces of Idyll” Gay wants to believe that there are substances to fairytales. However, my Intimate Relations class would say otherwise.
Disney fairytales provide an alternative happily ever after where the princess gets married to “Prince Charming.” Whereas the original Hans Christian Anderson version ends in tragedy, much like Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. There’s a lot to unpack about the pervasive narratives of love that permeate our society and culture in the West. My professor discussed how Disney is extremely guilty of shaping our ideas about the ever elusive emotion. They posit love as an instantaneous thing: love at first sight. Love in reality is almost nothing like that.
This instant spark might be a contributor to the disappointment surrounding love. It was certainly a part of mine. I swiped through profiles on Hinge wanting a spark, and I never found it. It wasn’t long until I decided to just match with someone based on how much I liked their personality and just see where it goes. Swiping isn’t a commitment. And through this mindset and change of heart, I’ve been on some great dates with some amazing men.
Connections should not be rushed. While there isn’t any hard and fast rule about how long you should know someone before you become official partners, there should be a decent period of time where you get to know each other as people. Some people settle on three months, some much shorter and some much longer. But the general consensus should be that you should not be falling in love and leaving your own world behind for a person you barely know.
Attraction takes time to build. There have been many moments in my life, mostly with celebrities, where I wouldn’t find them attractive at first. Overtime, they start to grow on me and I end up thinking they’re the most good-looking person in the world. Same thing translated over into my personal romantic life. I do find people attractive and good looking at first sight, but the connection with them lacks the instant Disney romanticism because we’re essentially still strangers.
Sometimes you get lucky with love. And if you’re not lucky with love, you have to look. I finally accepted that I was not going to find Prince Charming by wishing upon a star or frolicking in the woods. Meeting people organically is hard, harder than it should be. Coupled with my social anxiety and hermit tendencies, it’s like mission impossible.
While I firmly hold the belief that I will not be getting my meet-cute or living my fairytale dream of being introduced to someone, never say never. Although my professor had critiques about Disney being unrealistic, and while I don’t disagree, what I do believe is in Roxane Gay’s hope for fairytales.
After all, Megan Markle became a duchess after being introduced to Prince Harry.
While I wouldn’t call myself a hopeless romantic, I don’t classify myself as a hopeless cynic either. Women in contemporary society seem to stray away from the idea of romantic love (specifically with men) altogether. Women are now independent and we can do everything a man does, so what’s the need for them?
I thought the same way for a long time. The value of hyper-independence looks to be increasing and yearning for a romantic relationship is seen as desperate. It’s not embarrassing to admit that you want a relationship as a woman. My Intimate Relations class taught me the value of having different kinds of love in my life, and that there is no shame in wanting to have a romantic partner.
A reading assigned for the last class in this course was the introduction to bell hooks’ book all about love: new revisions. It was a book I had been meaning to read but never got around to. Maybe this was divine timing. hooks’ take on love is comforting while also approaching it from a critical perspective. She says, “Young people are cynical about love. Ultimately, cynicism is the great mask of the disappointed and betrayed heart.”
My stances of love have changed, and for the better. No longer am I a cynic or a pessimist about pining after romance. When I was in grade seven, I had to write a short paper about myself for an assignment and had to answer questions such as, “do you want to get married and have kids?” It was a little early to be answering topics like that, but I genuinely gave it some thought and my response was that I might get married, and that I probably wasn’t going to have any kids. What I felt about marriage was indifference. It wasn’t a big deal to me if I didn’t get married because being single didn’t sound bad either.
As I got older, there were so many women online that shared horrific stories about men they had dated or were once married to and it was so incredibly unappealing that I swore off men and dating in general. There are many women online that tell other women to forgo romance with men and to live the single life. While I wholeheartedly understand their frustration, there should be more nuance to this take.
I agree that there is a discrepancy in the way men and women love each other. The way in which we view love and romance is quite pessimistic overall, especially when it comes to women. Women lack the love they deserve and are against settling, as they should be. bell hooks explains that men often experience love while women are the ones’ pining and yearning for it. And we don’t typically receive it, at least in the same capacity we give it to men.
It wasn’t until after my first date I started unpacking everything I learned about love and attraction. Whilst in the class prior to my first date, I wasn’t as keen as I was about dating and love. For me, love was all about female friendships. My love mainly surrounded my friends because I felt as if I wasn’t missing out on anything when it came to having a partner. After my first date, I understood why people would subject themselves to a lot of trial and error for a chance at romance.
Though not groundbreaking, through this revelation, I found myself become somewhat of a lover girl. It’s okay to want a romantic relationship because there is a reason people get married. Romantic love is a certain desire that platonic love cannot fulfil. I never understood people’s fear of dying alone until I started thinking about the trajectory of my own life in-depth and in a way that I had never done before.
Long term goals have always been hard for me to set. I enjoy instant gratification and don’t fare well with thinking about the future, much less about the future of my romantic life. As morbid as it sounds, I started thinking about living life and dying alone with no partner. No one to come home to after a gruelling day at work. No one to share your shame, dreams and desires with. No one to hold at night, skin-on-skin with bodies flush against one another. Hands brushing as you pass items with each other, fingers interlocking on sidewalks, kisses on cheeks, and everything in between. As all this flashed before my eyes, for the first time in my life, I understood the fear of dying alone.
It’s okay for women to be disappointed with their dating life because men sometimes don’t hold up to the standard they need to be at. Being independent is good and there is nothing wrong with living the single life. On the other hand, love does beautiful things for people. I have been mostly lucky with the men I have dated and cannot thank them enough for making me believe that romance is not dead. These men have not fallen down some weird incel rabbit hole and embrace themselves as they are.
You can love yourself and your friends all you want—that still isn’t going to fill the hole in your heart that yearns for a life partner.
I’m not less of a feminist or weak when I admit that I want to succumb to my desires of romance. It’s a normal part of life and a very important part of being human that needs to be fulfilled for many people out there.
Every once in a while, I feel my want to have a relationship dwindle and to avoid going down a bitter rabbit hole of, “I’m going to die alone.” I take breaks from dating to prevent severe burnout. People will always be there. There is an abundance of love to go around and I go by my own rules when it comes to dating. I can pick things up when I want to. I can choose who to like and who not to like.
And I look forward to the many Valentine’s there are to come.