I was still deeply closeted when I started playing Dungeons and Dragons, even to the close friend group that made up my adventuring party. I didn’t like to think about my sexuality, but obsessed over it at the same time – something that is a common problem for many members of the LGBTQ+ community. I also happened to be a gigantic nerd. I loved how science fiction and fantasy allowed me to escape from my anxiety-ridden, everyday life. This almost definitely correlated with my sexuality struggles, but, at the time, I thought I was just a fan-girl who really liked gay ships for some reason. Thankfully, the rest of my friend group was equally nerdy, and we inevitably started playing Dungeons and Dragons at the beginning of high school.
I was in love with the game from our first session. It was the next level in escapism that I had been craving. With my favourite books, movies, and TV shows, I was just a passive observer, but in DnD I was able to actually participate and “exist” in a fantasy world. My half-elf paladin, Hokie Windsailor-Styles ( yes, named after Harry Styles – it’s a long story) was my vessel to explore aspects of myself that I was too nervous to experiment with in everyday life. She was more confident and smooth-talking than I was, and she wasn’t afraid to take what she wanted. She was the woman–or half-elf – that I wanted to be.
In the beginning, Hokie only flirted with male characters who, according to my Dungeon Master, conveniently looked like my celebrity crushes at the time. However, as I became more comfortable playing the game, Hokie started to show some same-sex tendencies. The kitchen table at my DM’s house became a place where I could forget my anxieties over the gay thoughts lurking in the back of my mind and just let loose. I was able to be myself, by being someone else. I wasn’t even worried about any connections my friends might make between my character’s sexuality and my own. I was ready to point out that Hokie also loves to murder and steal, so she was obviously not an exact reflection of me. But, seeing as the sexuality of my character was one of the least interesting parts of the game, my friends never actually did question me. In a world of lizard cults and talking dragons, a pansexual half-elf is pretty mundane.
When Hokie began her search for a wife, in order to create a more Trudeau-esque gender ratio in her polygamous marriage, I realized that, without noticing, the conflicts in my head had started to work themselves out. It’s like when you figure out the solution to a problem in your sleep, and you wake up feeling great. Through DnD I was able to discover so much about myself that I would have never known or kept repressed otherwise. Dungeons and Dragons really allows you to be yourself by playing yourself, or, at least, certain aspects of yourself.