A LIST OF things I no longer fear (most days)
Growing up, I think there were more things that scared me than things that didn’t. Trying new things. Messing up. Being noticed, but also being ignored. My anxiety would find ordinary things to grasp onto and turn them into paralyzing fears. I didn’t yet know that fear can soften with time, making once-impossible things feel natural. Here are some of the things that once took up all the space in my brain but are now hazy memories.
1. Jungle gyms
To this day, I remember the terror that seized me during the three weeks when the school had an indoor jungle gym brought into the gym. When I walked in and saw it that first day, I immediately pretended to be sick so they wouldn’t make me go on it.
Once I was home, the fear stayed. Even though it would be another week before we had gym class again, the thought of going back to school made me nauseated. I sobbed and told my mom that I would simply have to switch schools because I did not want to be anywhere near the ladders and monkey bars in our gym.
For such a small part of my life, it took up a big part of my brain and my heart. Over time, I’ve had to learn how to coexist with my fears, not letting them steal all the space from the rest of my thoughts and feelings.
2. Different brands of pasta sauce
A few years ago, my stepmom told me the story of her first time making dinner for me. I was a very picky eater back then, but she knew I liked pasta. What she didn’t expect was that I would throw a fit when I saw that she used a different brand of pasta sauce than the one I was used to.
Looking back, it’s so silly. They probably tasted exactly the same — and now, I’m known to literally never turn down pasta (of any kind). But in the moment, it was something unfamiliar and uncontrollable. And that was threatening.
Since then, I’ve learned to loosen up, to let go of that need to control every little thing. I’ve also learned that, honestly, most brands of pasta sauce taste exactly the same.
3. Sleepovers
I didn’t have a single full sleepover between the ages of five and 12. I really tried. I would bring my cutest pajamas and coziest pillows to my friends’ houses, ready to stay up late and have the night of our lives. And around midnight, without fail, I would borrow my friends’ parents’ phones to call my mom, begging her to pick me up.
After my parents split, I came face-to-face with a new kind of fear: separation. I suddenly lost all of my confidence that the world would stay the same while I was gone, that home would still feel like home when I came back to it.
The only way to overcome this fear was to keep trying until I finally spent the whole night at my best friend’s birthday party in sixth grade. I think I’ve learned that fear is a natural feeling — it’s here to keep me safe. And I can be grateful for that, even while reminding myself that most of my fears don’t signal real danger.
4. Being bad at something
I spent a lot of time believing that I needed to be successful in everything I do, shying away from anything that didn’t come naturally to me. I was scared to be seen trying or, even worse, to be seen failing.
This fear stopped me from trying new things. I probably missed out on a lot of hobbies that I could’ve really enjoyed had I put my pride aside. I’m starting to recognize that it’s important to do things that bring me joy, even if I’m not “good” at them. There’s a certain kind of freedom in letting myself be a beginner again.
5. Saying no
I’ve always been terrified to say no. I thought that drawing that boundary would irreparably disappoint the people I love or make them love me less. I think it’s natural to fear disappointing people, but I recognize now that it shouldn’t get in the way of caring for my own needs.
To be honest, this is a fear I am still working through. Sometimes I feel like saying no to someone will make me less loved and less valuable. I am constantly working to remind myself that this isn’t true. In fact, saying no only makes me more valuable because it shows that I value myself.
I still feel scared sometimes — but maybe less than I used to. Thinking back on all of these things that used to scare me, I am realizing that my fear was there for a reason. It was protecting me from messing up or getting hurt — at least I thought it was.
Fear is natural, but I’m trying not to fan its flames and let it control me. Each of these fears makes up a part of who I was and who I am. But just a part. They subside over time, giving space to new fears but also new excitements.
Some things I will probably always be scared of. I’ll have to learn how to recognize these fears and keep moving forward anyway. But I’m not scared of pasta sauce anymore, and I’ll take the small wins.