How regret tricks us into thinking it’s able to help us improve ourselves, and what it’s doing instead
I’m certain that everyone who reads this has done something, or maybe failed to do something, that has caused them to feel regret. Though that emotion may feel productive for a while, it almost inevitably does more to dampen a person’s resolve than to strengthen it, and the guilt that is its accomplice does nothing except frighten and depress a person into inaction. It may be easy for one to let regret seep through them and accept that as penance for what they have or have not done, but that will not save them. Regret may falsely present itself as redemption, but it is in fact the very thing holding us back from actual improvement.
What we need to acknowledge is that regret is not an effective motivator; it is a deterrent. And though most of us have indeed done things that would best be left in the past, not to be repeated, a life based mainly on mantras of what you should not do will not get you far. Feelings of regret can become paralyzing, prompting a person to do nothing in fear that they may mess up beyond redemption. Regret doesn’t help you move toward a brighter future; it simply forces you to dwell on the past. This is not to say that we should consider all of our past actions perfect, or ignore the consequences of what we have done, but it is to say that villainizing your past self and letting yourself be consumed by guilt and self-loathing will not make you a better person.
Even regretting not having done something can bring action to a halt. You will get so much less out of life if you spend more time punishing yourself for things, like if you were too much of a coward to sign up for that internship, tell the person you were desperately in love with how you felt, or didn’t start focusing on your academics. What if you took that energy and focused it toward improvement? We are capable of living lives that are the very opposite of inaction if we so choose.
And how much of our regret is over things that were outside of our control? Like the circumstances you were or were not born into, the money you were unable to make, the way your self-esteem was destroyed as a middle schooler and not rebuilt until what you consider to be far too late. This type of regret is especially heartbreaking. It is unfortunate enough to waste our precious and limited time hyper-focused on the things in our past that we could have changed if we had been so inclined in the moment, but to live wishing your life was kinder to you is even more tragic, if not understandable. By letting go of this regret over things that cannot and could not be changed, we allow ourselves more time and inclination to create a life we can be satisfied with.
By its very nature, regret too often becomes all-consuming. Though it may have its place in our lives for a little while, making certain we stay humble and not completely separate from and unrepentant for our actions, especially if they caused harm, if it stays too long, it will destroy any hope for future improvement. Instead of focusing on the past, focus on the person you want to be, and the actions you can take (or refrain from taking) to become that.