Each page is a timestamp of who I once was
I started journaling consistently three years ago. Whether it was one sentence or a whole page, I promised myself I would stay consistent.
During spring break, while sitting in my childhood bedroom, I found myself looking through the mountain of books on my nightstand. Among them were the two journals I had already finished, along with the one I bought at the beginning of this year. My first journal was navy blue, and I bought it at Marshalls after my first therapy session during my junior year of high school. It was bittersweet reading the entries from the girl I used to be, someone who knew nothing about the version of me I am now.
As I looked through the pages, I noticed that one thing stayed consistent in every entry: at the top of each one, I included the song of the day. I still do that now, and it is my favorite part of looking back. It is no surprise that I connect music to every part of my life. Listening to music and writing have always been, and probably always will be, my favorite escape.
Even if an entry only said: “I am so confused and want to rip my hair out, and maybe move to the Amish country,” the song of the day was still written right at the top: “You Missed My Heart” by Phoebe Bridgers. I laughed when I read that entry and wondered what had me so confused. At the time, I must have really wanted to disappear from everything, maybe even from social media altogether. But listening to the song again now, as a twenty-year-old girl, I completely understand what I was feeling and why I wrote that when I did. That is why including the songs and then listening to them later makes me feel so nostalgic and grateful. I am constantly evolving, and those songs help me remember each version of myself.
There were happier entries in my old blue journal, too, like the one from May 10, 2024, when I committed to attending the University of Wisconsin-Madison. The song of the day was “About You” by The 1975. I wrote about how excited I was to start over and spend my first year at such a beautiful school, living in the dorms with my friend Vanessa, who had also committed to UW-Madison. I was excited to join clubs and meet new people. Listening to the song now, I understand why I chose it that day. The first forty seconds remind me of starting over and of summer. The song makes me feel peaceful.
I think including a song of the day at the beginning of every entry makes it a timestamp. Both the entry and the song become proof of who I was and what I was feeling at that moment. Through the songs, I was able to remember things I could not understand from the words I wrote. Sometimes I would forget exactly what happened that day, or I was not descriptive enough in my entries. So the second I played the song again, I could remember the feeling. A song of the day became more than just a random detail at the top of the page. It became a timestamp for past versions of myself.
Reading through my old journals and entries felt strange and nostalgic. It allowed me to revisit old versions of myself. While reading some entries, I felt a mix of emotions because a big part of who I am is who I am not anymore. It reminded me that a lot of the feelings that felt so big never lasted forever. The things that once felt impossible to carry eventually became memories written inside my old journals.
Now in my sophomore year of college, I realized how quickly life can change. I have different friends, different responsibilities and different jobs. But the one thing that stayed consistent has been my journaling.
My journals are more than just old notebooks among my books. They are proof that I have been here for every version of myself: the confused one, the hopeful one, the heartbroken one and the girl learning to navigate being away from home while getting her degree. I am happy to know that at the top of every page, there is always a song waiting to remind me of who I used to be.