Crazylegs 2015, A Memoir

Each year Madison hosts the Crazylegs Classic, an 8K race that attracts over 20,000 runners. I was one of those poor, unfortunate souls who participated in the event this past Saturday, and thankfully, I have survived to tell the tale. I am most definitely not a runner, nor do I possess any particular athletic prowess, yet for the past two years I have convinced myself to run this 5 mile race that I consider the peak of my athletic endeavors. So in celebration of the fact that I finished, I’ve decided to share with you all my thoughts while running the race. Whether you’re a seasoned athlete looking for a laugh or whether you’re a non-runner runner like myself looking for someone who shares your pain, please enjoy my rendition of Crazylegs 2K15.

Arrives at the race start in Capitol Square at 9:00 a.m.

1. Alright, time to get pumped—it’s race day!
2. Don’t think about the fact that it’s 40 degrees and the sun is nowhere to be seen.
3. Oh good, I was hoping there would be gale-force winds right in my face.
4. I should probably start stretching so I don’t strain any muscles during the race.
5. Who am I kidding; I hardly have any muscles to strain. I’ll just stay huddled against this doorway for warmth.
6. I have already peed three times this morning, how could I possibly have to go again?
7. To the girl in the tank top and running shorts: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? I hope your goal is to catch pneumonia, because if so, you’re on the right track.
8. It’s a good thing I decided to get here an hour before the race start, I’m so glad I have all this time to stand around and freeze.
9. At least everyone else here looks equally as miserable. Except for that guy over there; he looks annoyingly happy to be here.
10. Seriously bladder, again? How could I possibly have this much liquid inside of me?
11. Oh good, the bathroom line is only 1,000 people long.
12. After that sweet release, it’s almost 10:00. I suppose I should head over to my wave. Where my fellow HH’s at?
13. For those of you who have never been crazy enough to run Crazylegs, the waves go A-Z and then AA-ZZ, and you are placed in waves based on your time. For example, the A group contains the elite athletes, and the HH group contains a lovely eclectic mix of 10 year-olds, the elderly, and me.
14. After doing some quick elementary addition, 33 groups will start before it’s HH’s turn.
15. We have now begun a slow, painful procession towards the start line.
16. The girl next to me just muttered, “I don’t even like running, why am I here?” Oh yes, this is definitely where I belong. I feel ya sister, I do.
17. We have literally been herded in a cattle-like manner for over a half an hour.
18. This feels oddly akin to a death march.
19. Whatever you do, do not think about the fact that some people are already done with the race and you haven’t even started.
20. Next year I am definitely hiding out in Starbucks until it’s time for my wave to start.
21. Oh praise the Lord, the start is in sight. Never in my life have I been so excited to see a start sign.
22. “Yay, I get to start running soon.” Well, that’s a new one, never had that thought before.
23. The race volunteers are now yelling at us to get pumped. That’s easy for you to say, you’re wearing eight layers and the wind isn’t making you shiver violently.
24. I would love to give you a high-five, overly excited race personnel, but I’m not entirely sure I’m able to unclench my arms from my sides.
25. Finally, at 10:40 a.m., it’s my turn to start. Time to get some Ke$ha going.
26. Yes, Ke$ha gets me amped, and no, I’m not ashamed of it.
27. 3, 2, 1…finally free!
28. So far, so good. Turns out my legs didn’t entirely freeze up during that torturous wait, so that’s good news.
29. Hey, the wind’s not that bad. Turns corner. Hmm, never mind.
30. Dear God, I hope there’s no frat guys watching as we run down Langdon.
31. Wait, it’s not even 11 a.m. on a Saturday, they’re not even conscious yet. You’re in the clear.
32.  
33. If the entire race could be this nice, gradual decline, that would be splendid.
34. One mile down already? I’m such a speed demon.
35. Oh wait…oh no…could it be already?…it is…time to run up Observatory Hill.
36. It’s okay, deep breath, you can do this. Just remember to take short, quick steps, and you’ll be fine.
37. I don’t think my calves have ever burned this much.
38. There’s a definite possibility that I’m going backwards right now.
39. You’re so close, the end is in sight! (And by end, I mean a stretch of flat pavement)
40. There, you made it! You’re legs feel like noodles, but you made it.
41. Okay lungs, it’d be nice if you’d kick back into action.
42. Alright, here’s some nice downhill action, and then…WHAT?! Another hill??
43. Why do I not remember this hill being here? What kind of sick joke is this?
44. Oh good, a side cramp. That’s exactly what I need right now. Just push through the pain and try to ignore the feeling that someone is stabbing you in the abdomen.
45. A gaggle of what appears to be seven year-olds just passed me. That is not at all damaging to my self-confidence.
46. Ah flat road, we meet again. Don’t ever leave me.
47. Okay, you’re almost at 3 miles, which means you’re almost more than halfway done, which means you’re basically almost done.
48. I am now approaching the part of the course known as “The Mockery Trail” (Okay, so I’m the only one that calls it that, but whatever. This is my story).
49. The Mockery Trail is the part of the route where all the runners in front of you have done a U-Turn and are now running past you in the opposite direction. And so, for what seems like an endless amount of time, I get see all the people who are that much closer to finishing than I am.
50. It takes all my willpower to not jump to the other side.
51. I try not to glare hatefully at the runners passing me. I fail.
52. I spy an attractive gentleman coming towards me on the other side. Immediately starts to run in a gazelle-like formation.
53. At last, I have reached the infamous U-turn, and can now join the glorious side of The Mockery Trail- I am no longer the mockee, but the mocker!
54. I feel athletic and superior for approximately 12 seconds, and then another side cramp kicks in.

1. The side cramp I had before was child’s play compared to this monster.
2. Yep, this is it, this is how I go. Goodbye, sweet world.
3. I must be terrifying the runners on the other side. I’m running lopsided and am making noises that sound like I’m going into labor.
4. Just think of the cheese curds you’ll be getting at the Old Fashioned when you’re done. Do it for the curds, do it for the curds.
5. Next year, I’m going to train way more for this.
6. Praise Jesus hallelujah, there’s the Mile 4 sign! Only one more to go!
7. This calls for a little Kanye to push me into gear.
8. Shouldn’t Camp Randall be in sight by now?
9. This is quite possibly the longest mile of my life.
10. After what feels like approximately 7 hours, there’s the turn onto Breese.
11. HOME STRETCH BABY

1. Perks of starting in a late wave: everyone who’s already finished is standing on the sidelines cheering you on.
2. Thank you, beautiful strangers, your support means so much!
3. This must be how Melvin Gordon feels as he leads his team onto the field.
4. I am Melvin Gordon. I will be victorious.
5. 3, 2, 1…DONE
6. Why is no one erupting into applause? Does no one recognize what an enormous feat I’ve just accomplished?
7. Thank you, kind volunteer who handed me the water bottle I so obviously needed. I would express my gratitude towards you, but I’m incapable of doing anything other than wheezing.
8. Though my legs are wobbly and my lungs are aching, nothing compares to this post-race feeling of euphoria.
9. I overcame the cold, the wind, and my inherent un-athleticism, and I ran this race without need of a rescue team.
10. Crazylegs, I’ll be back to conquer you again next year. But until then, I’m on to my next mission to find some cheese curds and a cold spotted cow.
11. Stay tuned.

Despite this harrowing tale, I highly encourage any and all Crazylegs virgins to give it a go next year! As with most races, the beginning sucks, the actual running part sucks even more, but the end is glorious. Besides, if I can do it, then anyone can.

• running
• UW-Madison