As I have grown into adulthood I have noticed that my adult ADHD and depression can rear its head in varying ways. In my case both of these wax and wane but during the school year I definitely have trouble managing my time due to both.. I am passionate about pursuing my degree and doing well in school. When faced with the lack of motivation I have encountered with virtual learning, I find myself often disappointed with my efforts.
I fall into the category of those who are perfectionists but also have messy rooms and definitely not a 4.0 GPA. Controlled chaos or a planned failure are common themes I encounter with this. Every other day I clean my room to pristine condition then when I misplace something I tear my whole room apart until I find it. I then tell myself I’ll clean it later. I know every time that if I would clean it up then I’d save myself from panicking later after I’m overwhelmed with the mess. If I know I can get away with doing the bare minimum on an assignment I will do that 100% of the time rather than take my time to do it to the best of my ability. In my mind maximizing time to procrastinate is better than potentially failing by giving my all. Even if I am the one who suffers either way.
Recently with quarantine and virtual learning I have found it especially difficult to discipline myself and take accountability. Having no in person classes but still hours of work makes it seem like I am not going to school to learn anymore.
To feel like I am only completing assignments just for a grade cuts my motivation about learning completely. Spending hours in front of the computer or feeling like I have to do that to be productive enough is an impossible standard for me. I can focus for a good hour and then I have to disconnect. With virtual learning I feel like I am not doing what I should be to excel in this situation. Feeling like I rationally do not have the attention span needed for school makes me feel like giving up on trying at all.
So I found myself doing the bare minimum, doing all my homework at 11:00 an hour before it’s due. Then, feeling horrible even after completing my work for not doing more. I know I am not the only one who feels all these things. I know others who have dealt with depression know that sometimes you can know what’s good for you to do for yourself but physically can not force yourself to do those things. Along with ADHD as an adult, forcing yourself to do assignments all in one go is usually met with misery and tears. I recently have been trying to implement a few mantras into my life to help myself conquer my self destructive tendencies.
I heard a woman on Tiktok say recently, “It is better to give yourself permission to start a task then force yourself to complete a task” This phrase really changed my way of thinking. If I can try to create a habit of allowing myself to start tasks and work on them short term I can avoid the Sunday dread of working for hours to get the bare minimum done. While I have not mastered this yet I do believe it is something worth trying. I know doing tasks in small increments is better for my attention span and also gives me the boost of confidence that today I got ‘something’ done. Even if I just weekly write down my tasks and schedule them out for the week. Which is better than my alternative of hearing about assignment due dates in class and trying to remember to get them done.
Another thing I am implementing into my thought process is to give myself grace. I remind myself and my friends that school is school. At the end of the day you have to look yourself in the mirror not the paper you got an A on because you edited it for 3 hours. Learning should be refreshing, exciting and motivating enough to do well on assignments. In this situation for a lot of us learning is not exciting. We are just turning in assignments. Self care is the most important assignment and it is due every day. If you complete all your assignments but are miserable what’s the point? Finding ways to combat self destructive behaviors is a form of self care. Instead of procrastinating, give yourself time to start on an assignment even if all you do open a google doc and write a title. When you find you have completely forgotten an assignment and do not have time to complete it to your standard. Do it poorly. Anything is better than what a 0 can do to your grade. You will feel better knowing at least you did something rather than accepting defeat. But above all allow yourself to fail. Allow yourself to be human. Don’t feel bad for going to goodwill for the 2nd time this week. Find what motivates you and makes you feel fulfilled.