You were once so young, so full of light and love. You were once so sure about your future that you didn’t need to hope— you just knew it would work out. You built castles in the sand and made mudpies when it rained and you just knew that everything would be okay. You were safe in the innocence of youth.
One day, someone pushed you on the playground. You didn’t do anything to them, they just felt like it. You scraped your knee and started bleeding and even though you could’ve been angry, you weren’t. You were shocked and hurt and confused. Why would someone be so mean without a reason?
Maybe it happened again when you were a little older. Maybe it wasn’t a push and it wasn’t a playground. Maybe you realized then that some people are just mean and they’ll never need a reason. Life isn’t what you thought it’d be. The light grew dimmer still.
As years go by and life goes on, you notice that the world doesn’t seem as bright or simple anymore. When it rains you don’t make mudpies or stomp in puddles, you pull out an umbrella and shuffle off to work. You aren’t a child anymore. You have places to be and things to do and problems to solve. You’ve grown up.
Sometimes this can feel like a bad thing. In many ways, we can attach ourselves to the thought that childhood was easy and adulthood is hard, so we must be doing something wrong if we’re less happy now than we were before. Really though, we don’t need to attach negative or positive emotions to the act of growing up because it is just something that happens. We grow, we change, we experience and learn new things, and we become different people. We are not static, we are everchanging. We will never be the same as we were yesterday. We are forever becoming.
Growing up is not positive or negative. You can have good or bad experiences along the way, but no matter what they are, you will still grow up. Because you have gone through so many different phases of your life, though, been so many different people since you were a child, there is a natural sadness you might feel when thinking about who you used to be. If ever you feel tempted to push this sadness away and ignore it, I implore you to instead sit with it for a while. Consider the depth of this emotion, this sadness, this loss. Really, it is a loss. As amazing as it is that we are constantly changing and evolving, it also means that we have lost ourselves again and again. If every day we begin anew, then every night we die once more.
So, when you explore this feeling of loss, I hope that you mourn. I hope that you allow yourself to feel the weight of time and the pain of change and I want you to begin healing. Without letting yourself mourn who you used to be, it becomes harder to live in your present form. When you continue to think of the days you were young and innocent as your better days and you as your best self, you discount the virtues you have at this very moment. Sure, you may have had fewer worries and viewed the world with brighter eyes, but now you see the world as it is and as it can be. The experiences that made you who you are today have taught you things you never would have known back then. The position you are in now is where you were always meant to be in this moment and it is just another step on the path leading you to tomorrow. You have been all of these people so that you can be who you are today. You are who you should be now and you will be someone different tomorrow— you get to decide who that is. Your fate is in your hands.
Remember who you were when you built the castles in the sand. Remember who you were before the world showed you something less than kindness. You can say to yourself, “I miss you, but I have to let you go now.” Try your best to keep the wonder of youth, the unwavering optimism that life won’t be so bad. Don’t let the light go out, but accept that you are no longer that child. You cannot go back to the person you were, but you can thank them for getting you to where you are now. Mourn for the past, stand taller in the present, and walk bravely into the future. I don’t know about you, but I’m excited to see what’s next.
For those of you who are ready to begin the mourning process, here’s a playlist to help you along:
https://open.spotify.com/embed/playlist/6KSFIS808oHSKPVBsOtwyb?utm_source=generator