So I was going to write about horror movies this week…
But I got in my own way again. Let’s talk about it.
This week, I had planned to write an article called, “Bullsh*t Media: Halloween (1978)“. I was giving my opinion on the movie as a whole and criticizing its treatment of women. I wrote the whole thing, I really did, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that it wasn’t right. It wasn’t what I wanted it to be, and I just knew everyone would hate it. I’d been having that feeling a lot lately. It’s something that always seems to creep up when the school year kicks into gear. I start getting involved and creating things and for my brain that immediately means- time for perfection, no matter what. Whether I’m writing a HerCampus article, a scene for theatre, rehearsing a one-act, planning for DND, or even having fun in improv I get worried that I’m not presenting myself at the best I can be. I put myself through a lot of stress and mental hurdles to try and reach that ‘EPITOME of my potential’. So, instead of polishing that article about horror movies, I decided to write about how I fight my inner-obsessed artist, the me that will go to self-destructive lengths to produce perfection.
Fight Tactic One: Come To Terms With Their Presence
Something I had to realize, is that for me, that persistent push for perfection in my brain was not going away. I couldn’t just stop reaching for perfection or become satisfied with my work by whispering affirmations. Maybe one day I’d be able to let it go, but forcing my brain to work in a way it just didn’t wasn’t going to help me. Being a perfectionist is also something that I don’t even WANT to lose. It helps me create work I’m really proud of sometimes. I accept it was a part of me, the real work is making her work with me instead of against me.
Fight Tactic Two: Take Breaks From Your Work
I find that taking breaks is a good compromise between my tired self and my perfectionist self. I know it’s hard but it’s a necessity! I NEED to walk away from a project in order to let my brain not MELT, and I know that when I come back I’ll have a fresh mind that can do this work better. The longer you stare at something, the more wrong it starts to become. An art piece that looked fine before starts to miss something, a scene that read well two hours ago becomes absolute garbage, you become more critical over time. There has to be a moment where you breathe and say- okay. I know I want to do more, but in order to do that efficiently, I need to walk away. I cannot destroy myself and my self-esteem in order to make this perfect, it just won’t work
Fight Tactic Three: Do Something That Goes Nowhere
As an artist, student, creative, etc., etc., we are always creating work that is for others or meant to be perceived by others. It’s not as often that we create something without having to consider whether the end product is going and who is going to see it. So- break the cycle- create something that doesn’t have to anywhere, be seen by anyone, do anything. Let it be stupid and fun, and sloppy. You can throw it away after, keep it for yourself, or even decide that you actually do want someone to see it- but it’ll be your choice. You’ll have complete control over your own imperfection. I found it hard to do this at first, I always think everything has the potential to be its best even if it starts small- but it got easier over time. Now, I have stupid drawings and silly scenes sitting around that are nowhere near “perfect”, but I had fun making them. It takes me back to my roots from when I first started making things as a kid.
Fight Tactic Four: Strive For Periodic Satisfaction Not Immediate Perfection
When I create something, I used to spend every minute I sat down to work on it striving for perfection by the time I stopped. The WHOLE thing had to be perfect by every measure, or it wasn’t worth it. I couldn’t accept the fact that I’d eventually be going back to edit it anyway, it had to be perfect NOW. It took a long time, but one day I realized that doing that just meant I never got anything done. I’d always end up deleting most of what I’d written and then saying I’d try again tomorrow. It’s not a feasible system! I had to stop reaching for immediate perfection and settle for periodic satisfaction. For example, today I will be satisfied if I write a rough version of scene one. It doesn’t need to be the perfect scene one, it doesn’t need to be stage ready, but it needs to be written. I can’t go back and delete what seemingly doesn’t work just yet, just get the story out. This took the pressure and backtracking off the table. I could just write until I had what I needed knowing I’d go back and look at it with a fresh mind later. Right now, it was about creating, not mastering.
Fight Tactic Five: Allow Your Definition Of ‘Perfect’ To Change
My final tactic is allowing your definition of perfect to change. It’s hard for me to explain this one, as it’s something I don’t fully understand myself, but it’s a big thing that’s helped me. It’s about looking at the big picture when I’m creating something. How am I feeling right now? What are my circumstances? What was the prompt? What is my timeframe? You cannot expect the same standards out of yourself when you’re tired, overworked, and trying to meet a two-day deadline as you would energized, relaxed, and preparing for something six months out. The truth is ‘the best you can do’ is not always the same. Sometimes you are struggling, sometimes the medium/prompt you’ve been given isn’t something you’re comfortable with yet, sometimes you just don’t have enough time- and that’s okay. The best you can do changes with your circumstances, and so your definition of perfection has to change with it. I know there are people out there who expect a lot out of you. They’ve seen you do incredible things so they expect you to always be doing that. They’ll say things like, “This is good, but I expected more from you.” Well.. good for them. You produced the work you could do without destroying yourself, you created the perfection that you had the means to do, and maybe next time you’ll have the means to do more, but your work now is not hinged on that. Screw them for making you feel like that. Don’t feel guilty for not giving more than you’re able.
This tactic is especially important in college. I know many of you are reading this as college freshmen struggling with finding out that being perfect or having perfect grades in college is NOT as easy as it was in high school. The truth is you can’t hold yourself to the same standard anymore! I know it’s hard not to, but you can’t. It’s hard out here. You’re in completely different circumstances! Away from home, from your hometown friends, taking much harder classes, trying to take of yourself and your dorm and your financial aid and your degree works and on and on and on and on. You’re not fully your new self just yet, you’re adjusting, and so how you define perfection has to change too. It’s okay to not be the ‘perfect’ you’ve always been, it’s okay to find a new perfect.
I hope that if you’ve been struggling with this too that my words helped you and that you can at least start to try and fight or.. I guess not fight, make good with your inner-obsessed artist. You will make it through. I believe in you, collegiettes.
Signing Off,
Jasmine