I don’t know what’s so wrong with me
That everyone feels like they can’t give me a chance.
I don’t want to have to change myself
To be the girl you desire,
But now I feel I have no choice.
I’ve been down that road for years:
Putting on makeup to make him
Fall in love with me,
Wearing tight pants so another
Would want to touch my ass,
And stopped eating
Because someone else didn’t like a thick girl.
After years of self-hate,
I finally discovered self-love…
Until another one of you came along
And made me feel invisible.
Since I laid eyes on you, I’ve woken up early
To put a full face of makeup on.
I didn’t know how to contour, but I learned
So you’d notice my pretty face.
I went and bought shapewear
In hopes that you’d come into favor of my curves.
I haven’t eaten in three days
And in three months,
I’ve lost almost 30 pounds.
I’m losing control trying to change myself on the outside
For all of you.
What I’d wish you’d notice
Was how easy it is for me
To make anyone in the room laugh.
Or my voice
When my favorite song comes on.
Or how I care for everyone I meet.
Oh, how I care.
I would knock the very breath you take out of your lungs
If you ever saw
How I could make you feel so loved
So worthy
So important.
I’m losing myself because no one has given me a chance.
All that my friends had to say was
“At least you can move on now,”
But what they don’t understand
Is that it’s not so much stopping my feelings that’s hard
But the wondering why I’m never good enough.
Wondering
What sets them apart from me.
Wondering
What about me overshadows my heart of gold
From being seen.
That’s what’s hard.
There’s no moving on from that.