Just a week ago when I was first planning to write this article, I knew exactly how I was going to write it. I was planning to make a bulleted list on ways to get over a boy, mostly because I knew how I got over boys personally… but because after my ex and I broke up recently, I didn’t feel anything. In fact, I was almost relieved because I want to focus on myself more than anything, and especially now.
However, this simple plan of mine blew up in my face just a few days ago when I got in a fight with someone I cared about. It resulted in a love note from our first date that I didn’t read until now, and that… just about changed everything.
I’m going to be real here. I could write an article on the top seven ways, the seven things on how to get over a relationship. You can read it and follow it or not even follow it. I can’t guarantee it will help you. Because you can follow it all you want, the chances of it truly working the way we want it to won’t happen.
Humans like the easy way out. Love doesn’t work like that. People want the easiest ways to get through situations. If I had a choice, I wish I could move on from bad things in the past, but I can’t. While it feels horrible now, it’s better to learn these lessons and move on within time. Time. It’s so important in every relationship that ends, whether it’s platonic or romantic.
Maybe it hits you all at once, like a brick… a common saying right now is, “It be like that sometimes.” And so, you go through an entire process. I call it the “hole” because it feels like you dug yourself within your own feelings. It’s different for everyone, and the order of stages vary depending on the breakup and situation. One is denial. A boy meets with you and tells you “Let’s just end it” because he sees how hard the situation has been on you. He doesn’t give you much details on why he wants to end it, though—he just does it. You’re filled with unanswered questions, and the thing is: those questions may never be answered and you won’t ever know, but it’s up to you to get that part of yourself back together to forgive the situation and move on. Maybe that teaches you loss or heartbreak itself because you can’t piece together that what you had is truly over. You deny and deny, thinking there is some way to fix it. Don’t call him up when you’re sad, drunk, or lonely. Relationships end for a reason, and the most mature way to deal with it is to talk it out. Time heals. Write all the things you’re even thankful for because even though the breakup initially starts awful, the relationship began because of something good. Your ex or old partner you had a “thing” with shouldn’t be a flat antagonist character.
Another stage I go through is the emo phase. If you’re dumped and never hit this phase, you should’ve never been in a relationship to begin with. Fill your Spotify playlists with songs that make you cry. Eat all the junk food you crave because you feel empty inside. It’s okay to be sad, and it’s okay to cry. People don’t ever tell you that though. Have that time to yourself where you watch If I Stay, and just bawl. Time is so important to heal, and I know how cliché that sounds, but after going through the “hole” process about five times, it’s never been wrong. Get drunk with your friends even and have a good cry because sometimes that is what’s really needed. Take depression naps, but also smile because guess what? Your bed is back to yourself, you only, and that’s something a woman should be thankful for every day. Do you have some old clothes of his? It depends on how the relationship ends. Badly? They probably want it all back then, or if they never mention it—that gives you the chance to keep it or burn it. The first boy I ever borrowed from got his stuff returned by my roommate; sometimes, I wish I could go back and give it to him myself. However, I can’t go back because that’s in the past. My first ex, however, ended things on good terms with me. I returned some things of his, but I kept some stuff including a camera he let me borrow, which is nice because that usually doesn’t happen in relationships. Maybe you’re that person who feels a little sad until their next strong lover comes around that makes you forget the rest, or maybe you’re better at coping and can keep the past in the past—as it should be. Just don’t be like me and drunk text all the boys you’ve ever loved.
Another phase I seem to past, even if there is nothing to be upset about is anger. This can vary depending on how you break up, how it’s been since the break-up (maybe there’s time in between), or just how they treat you after. I pass anger because of just the simple fact I was dumped. Of course, I’m going to be a little upset. Most guys seem to move on from a loss of feelings (at least through my experience), and there’s nothing you can do about it. Talking shit won’t make a difference. It’s good to talk about it once or twice and then move on. Dwelling on anger over a boy fuels more hatred. Sometimes I use the term “I hate boys.” That doesn’t mean all boys and probably doesn’t even mean whoever I’m referring to. It means some boys don’t treat girls right. Some boys only intentions are sex, and once they’re not satisfied with it, they move on. I had a thing with a boy once who was never for committing. His name itself had a connotation at school, which, to this day—I feel bad for him. His name would be mentioned and immediately someone would say, “He’s bad news,” but the saddest thing is that sometimes you must go through experiences yourself to know the hard truth. As an aspiring journalist, I take that lesson to heart.
Then there’s forgiveness with that last pinch of sadness. Here you feel yourself starting to look around your hole because you’re getting tired of being sad now. There must be a way out and you start searching for it; accepting how it will be. For me, this stage takes a long time to encounter, and sometimes it’s quick, and other times it’s a bit longer. You’ve moved on from the situation and that itself takes time, but forgiving the situation and accepting things finally for how it resulted in might even take longer. One boy I had the strongest feelings for took me forever to accept the situation. We don’t talk anymore, and it makes me sad. I accepted how things resulted, and maybe that can change in the future, but for now it’s best to leave it where it is. Things take time, and at this age, there is no rush because love will always come again. My sister once told me that someone will always love you. There will always be someone else again. People say to take it day-by-day, and sometimes when you’re sad that is all you can do until you find ambition to push you forward towards something better again.
I can’t forget the most important and last phase I find myself in. It’s my favorite phase too because I become a happy soul again, and not through anyone else, but myself. The acceptance and self-love phase. I don’t know what others put their energies into after a relationship, but for me, I find the ambition to improve on my goals and hobbies. It’s been a while since I continued writing a book I started already, and now nothing is stopping me from working on it. I intend to read more after a relationship ends too because it puts me in a different world besides my own. This is also the beginning of the thriving stage because you’re finally happy and okay with being single again.
I am not sure exactly where I am after my first break-up. I can say right now I am in between the emo and forgiveness phase; but tomorrow, I could be angry. All I know is that through good friends and family, time, and giving yourself a break, you can go a long way with acceptance and finding yourself after everything ends.
Originally, I was going to share an entire poem that my last ex gave to me that I just found a few days ago that changed this entire article. However, I realized that’s something between him and I. I’ll share the first line that stuck out to me the most: “She was strong and I felt it.”
Damn right he felt it, because now I was stronger than ever. But that’s thanks to all the men in my life that have taught me something, whether they know it or not.
Thank U, Red—You taught me rejection.
Thank U, Guitar-Boy—You taught me lust, pain, and stigmas.
Thank U, Mazda—You taught me acceptance.
Thank U, Ark—You taught me heartbreak and value.
Thank U, Swan—You taught me patience, forgiveness, and the importance of actions.
Thank U, Next.
Men are pieces of sh*t sometimes, but trust me—not all of them.