I know it’s been a while since To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before came out, but here I am writing a sadder and gayer version.
So how did this idea come about around 3 months after this movie was released? On the day after Thanksgiving, I had set aside time to do the ever-piling homework so I could save myself from stress later on. But did I do my homework? Nope. Instead, I looked through all the poems I’ve written to find quite a lot being about girls that wronged me in some way. Looking through the sad writings of past-me made me realize how much I have grown.
I hope these poems help sad queer girls like myself.
To all the girls that broke my heart (a poetry collection)
I trusted you
While I was deep in the closet, I reached for your hand.
You pulled me out and held me like no one ever before.
I trusted you with this intimate part of myself.
Although we couldn’t hold hands too close to my house,
Your hand in mine was the first spark like it.
I trusted you.
I hated the secretive aspect of our relationship
But it was necessary.
I thought I made that clear,
But I must have forgotten to tell you about my conservative parents
And the fear this part of me caused
For the twelfth time
Because you shared our kiss with the entirety of the English class
//to my first kiss//
I had hope that we would last longer than a blink.
I had hope that we would not end in flames.
It was so pure and innocent,
Nothing like I had ever felt before
But the hurt that you caused me
Was also nothing like I had ever felt before.
You blindsided me and used me;
I want to write more,
But I’ve already grown tired
Of writing sad poems about you.
//to my first “girlfriend”//
I always admired you
And when you agreed to meet me for coffee,
My heart skipped.
But I’m sad to say that admiration stopped
The day you stopped talking to me
Out of the blue.
//to my almost girlfriend//
I fell head over heels for you
Even though you were bossy
And came off as rude and bitter to others;
I was blind to that side of you.
We never even kissed,
So I guess one would call this a crush.
But it felt like something more
Because I gave so much of my time to you.
//to my ex-best friend//
In the church, pews are where you learned your values
With praying being the main resolve to conflict your emotions bottled up.
Blinders were put around your young eyes and it took awhile for you to take them off.
But even when that moment came, you kept stuffing your feelings deep down inside;
You degraded yourself daily,
Thinking of yourself as a mistake because you thought about kissing her beautiful lips.
You ground yourself to the Earth, unable to stop the nightmares and that the crying fits.
You begged God to change you.
You begged Him to make you ‘normal.’
To sum it up:
I treated myself like absolute shit;
I’m sorry to my soul
Who took years to heal
//to myself//
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