IT’S SPOOPY TIME!
Now, I know it’s only the beginning of October, but I’ve had my Halloween pillows out for about two weeks now, so it’s HALLOWEEN. Now, big Halloween parties are canceled this year, but do you know what isn’t? Spooky decorations, apple orchards—social distance from other groups and wear masks please, or I will spray y’all with Lysol if I have to—and Halloween films!
This Halloween will be Disney Plus’ first Halloween, as it launched November 12th last year. Now, most corporations are evil and Disney isn’t exempt, but since everything is pretty much equally bad, don’t feel guilty for using the platform to watch some spooky films!
Here are a couple of nostalgic Halloween movies that starred in our generational childhood and a couple of movies that will put an end to your childhood. All movies are from Disney+, Netflix or Hulu.
Because they didn’t sound so bad at the time, I have also included a couple horror movies that I watched that ruined my life. These are at the very end of the article as I wanted to make sure you didn’t start watching them before you were warned. This is a warning for you not to watch them.
Save yourselves.
1. Haunted Mansion—Disney+
Y’all. It’s Eddie Murphy. For a movie from 2003, the movie is actually pretty good when it comes to acting, plot and special effects. This is probably the most well-done movie here, so if you’re anything like my mom (which is to say, super picky about movies), this is the one for you.
2. Halloweentown—Disney+
Here’s the correct order, since the films follow the Fast and Furious franchise naming conventions (may have actually INVENTED TFatF conventions)—Halloweentown, Halloweentown II: Kalabar’s Revenge, Halloweentown High, Return to Halloweentown. If continuity is your thing, you might want to skip the last one, as they replace OG Marnie with Sarah Paxton (she is kinda cute tho). The first movie is older than I am, so again, if quality over cringe and nostalgia is your thing, you might hate me for making you watch it.
3-4. Twitches and Twitches Too—Disney+
Tia and Tamara Mowry play twin teen witches (twitches) in these movies. Again, not the best quality-wise because they came out 2005 and 2007, but a fun wholesome little story. Plus, if you’re a Schitt’s Creek fan, Jocelyn plays a quirky servant/guardian witch?
5. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)—Hulu
Yes, this is the movie we’re talking about here (no Sarah Michelle Gellar, sorry!) about Buffy, a cheerleader who becomes a vampire slayer. A fun thing to mention, Seth Green plays a random vampire in this film, and later plays Oz in the television show! There are actually quite a few stars that appear in this film, mostly pre-big-break for them (Ben Affleck is basketball player #10)
6. The Addams Family (1991)—Netflix
Duh Duh Duh Da *snap snap*
This creepy and kooky, mysterious and spooky family reunites with a long-lost family member, or so they think. This one’s a little less PG, with one scene that might make your grandparents uncomfortable if you watch it together (nothing is shown, just a little banter between a married couple who talk about s*x). You can’t see me right now, but I’m clutching my pearls.
7. The Boy Who Cried Werewolf (2010)—Netflix
An oldie but a goodie. This movie was pretty transparently insane, but I still really enjoyed it when I was younger. A suburban white family inherits an ancient castle in (and I kid you not) Wolfsburg, Romania. Brooke Shields is there with a heavy European (?) accent, Victoria Justice plays a nerd and skinny Jane from Drop Dead Diva is a bubbly realtor who wants to buy the spooky castle.
As I said, these are old movies for kiddos. That’s what you’re signing up for here. Technology has advanced quite a bit since some of these were out. Our concept of not being racist has also changed quite a bit, so keep that in mind when you watch some of these (namely Halloweentown II, in the portrayal of Gort).
Now, if you’re looking for something that children should never ever see, here are a couple of movies that actually made me sleep with the lights on
Now, I like a good slasher, but these movies were a mistake to watch. If you’re into the whole “being too scared to turn off your bedroom light and walk to your bed in the dark” thing, these are the movies for you. I will, however, be avoiding them for the rest of my life because I think they’re actually cursed to make you feel watched.
8. The Autopsy of Jane Doe (Netflix)
Just don’t go there. There isn’t a visible baddie in this one (other than a pretty fresh-looking corpse) to my knowledge (but I did hide from some of the intense scenes, so watch at your own risk), but BAD THINGS HAPPEN (also don’t watch if you like cats, BAD). I heard a bell ring in a store with green carpet about a week after I watched it, and I had an entire fight-or-flight response within the few seconds it took me to turn around to ensure I wasn’t going to get brutally murdered by a Thing.
9. The Bye-Bye Man (Netflix)
ANYTIME A MOVIE’S BADDIE IS ATTRACTED TO THE MERE THOUGHT OF ITS NAME, I’M F*CKING GONE! Spoiler, if you can’t control your thoughts and get paranoid of monsters in movies actually being real by freaky magic (thanks Supernatural, for giving us dummies knowledge of the Tulpa), THIS MOVIE IS NOT FOR YOU. Especially if you live in off-campus housing and bought your furniture from an estate sale (garage sale for dead people’s stuff). I had to sleep with the light on, so I knew the Creature wasn’t going to pop out from underneath my coat.
10. Friend Request (Netflix)
AHHHHHHHHHHHH! This movie was kind of a “technology bad, don’t talk to loners at school in the event that they are a BEING OF HORRORS that’ll kill everyone you love” type thing, but I had some issues with this my freshman year. I was living in Lourdes (and had Ruthie as a ghost roommate) and I got to the point where I had to verbally ask Ruth not to do anything spooky, because I was terrified, and she apparently went to harass the girl I watched it with. If you watch this movie, just plan on not accepting friend requests from ANYONE on Facebook. Thanks.
Now, Scaredy Cat can’t tell you how to live your life, but she does want to leave you with one thing. Do not go to large Halloween parties. Do not remove your mask at a party. Make good choices. And do not disregard guidelines (leading to another quarantine) that’ll mess with Halloween. I will send the Bye-Bye man after you.
Kisses,
Meg (Scaredy Cat) Chaffee