When I was 15, I got into one of the most toxic and unhealthy relationships of my life. I spent the entirety of the relationship (as well as four years after it initially ended) thinking I couldn’t ever safely leave it, but I was convinced it just meant I was in love. Of course, as a kid, I never really understood the issues with this relationship; how could I? When I was 16, I got into my second unhealthy and abusive relationship. This one lasted a bit longer than the first but followed the same pattern. The abuse was normalized because it was disguised as a form of love. It took me until I was 18 to realize both of these instances were abuse and not love.
Now I’m 19, and after a three-year hiatus of closing myself and my heart off to everyone, I’ve finally let myself feel comfortable in a new relationship. Obviously, any new relationship is scary; for me, the scariness comes from the assumption that this relationship will be no different than any of my previous ones. What that means is all of the really healthy things my boyfriend does feel weird and uncomfortable at times. I’ve spent a lot of time feeling guilty about this but, upon reflection, I’ve realized it’s ok that it feels abnormal; it is abnormal. So, I’ve made a list of all of these healthy things and why I feel so weird about them in hopes that this will validate anyone else who finds themselves in a similar situation to my own.
Communication
This is one of those things that people say is the most important aspect of a relationship. Without communication, you aren’t able to express your concerns or work through issues you’re facing in the relationship. I was never allowed to communicate in my previous relationships. I’d be shamed for expressing any emotion but happiness and when I had a problem with how something was working, that was always my own fault. The relationship I’m in now is exactly the opposite. I am encouraged to share my feelings and when I do have a problem, it’s talked about safely and calmly. It’s different and healthy but I do find myself expecting him to get upset with me or ignore me. I’ve found it’s important to talk about this too. Communication can be hard but when you’re with someone who actually cares about you, they will do their best to ensure you feel safe and comfortable to share things with them.
Boundaries
This is another important and healthy aspect of a relationship and, unfortunately, one I have not had much experience with. In some of my previous relationships, boundaries I set for myself (both beforehand and in the moment) were often ignored or overlooked. My partners would often tell me I was being dramatic when I got upset about my boundaries being ignored and I never felt like I was in a safe space. Once again, the relationship I’m in now has proved that that was not normal. Not only is my boyfriend constantly checking in with me, but when I set a boundary, he makes sure to respect it. It makes the relationship really safe and, although it’s still weird and abnormal to me, I make sure I tell him I appreciate how safe he makes the relationship feel to me.
Trust
Trust was something I neither had for my previous partners nor something they had in me. I was cheated on multiple times by the same person and gaslit to think it was ok. It’s safe to say I lost a lot of trust in this person, but I also lost a lot of trust in myself. After four failed relationships (two of them being very abusive and toxic), I stopped trusting my judgement of people and stopped trusting people’s ability to actually be good. My current relationship has changed this. This man has shown me time and time again that he can be trusted. He tells me what’s going on in his life, lets me know when he’s busy and can’t text me, validates me when I need more reassurance and reminds me it’s ok that I need that extra reassurance. He also trusts me which is a weird feeling. I’ve never been in a relationship where I’ve felt like my partner believes what I’m telling them without any convincing. It’s not normal for me but it’s also something I’m learning to be ok with.
Support
The support I’ve felt in my current relationship is also new for me. By this I mean I’ve never had someone who genuinely cares about my interests nor someone who has wanted to take the time to get to know every part of my life—and not just the happy parts. My boyfriend has wanted to know about the good, the bad, the frustrating and the sad parts of my life. He’s excited for me when I do something fun, proud of me when I accomplish something new and he appreciates me for all that I am. It’s a new feeling and while I love this quality about him, I can’t help but feel like it’s too good to be true because I’ve never experienced this type of healthy relationship before.
I’ve learned to accept that it’s ok that these healthy things feel weird to me. I’m not used to it, and I have to learn how to be in a relationship with someone who treats me with respect and care. I know that I deserve that; everyone deserves that. At the end of the day, I know I’m finally in a safe place to unlearn the abuse I’ve been a part of.