The biggest difference I find between my teenage self and my current early-20s self is how much I value a long-term relationship with myself and my long-term happiness. When I was younger, I tended to make decisions that would impact the ‘now,’ without much (or any) regard to how that decision would affect me in the future. I hated the idea of the ‘journey,’ that there would be an awkward time where I wasn’t who I wanted to be yet but wasn’t who I was before. For that reason, every decision I made had to be instant. The gratification had to come as quickly as the decisions.
I would spend money on trending and cheaply made clothing that would waste away my wallet – and itself after a few runs in the washing machine. I would bleach my hair often and take a straightener to it every single day to feel ‘on trend.’ I would buy skincare, makeup and hair products based on which brands were popular rather than which ingredients I actually understood; I looked for instant gratification. The things that fulfilled my immediate needs rather than my long-term goals or wants for myself. I made decisions that I’ve now spent the first two years of my 20s undoing.
This need for instant gratification also affected bigger areas of my life than simply what clothes I was buying. I began to struggle with hormonal acne and weight retention in my later teenage years. After seeing one doctor that didn’t specialize in women’s health or acne, I was recommended birth control. I didn’t question this recommendation; I didn’t research it and I never bothered to look at other options. I heard it would fix my immediate issues, and so I took it.
If you’ve read my other articles, you know I’m pretty open with my struggles surrounding mental health. This article is in no way telling girls whether or not to take birth control (I’m not a health expert); however, for my specific challenges and body makeup, it was the worst decision I could’ve made.
It did what the doctor said it would and cleared up my acne within one cycle, and for that reason, it made the decision to come off of it that much harder. After only six months of taking it, I didn’t feel like myself by any means. I used to get frustrated and emotional towards my own reactions to feelings because it didn’t feel like they were my own. I would have horrible anxiety attacks and long periods of anger and angst, with no direct reason behind these emotions. I felt out of control, out of body and genuinely didn’t know who I was anymore. I lost trust in myself, my own intuition and with that, my confidence in who I was. My mental health finally reached a point where I had to move home, go to therapy and stop taking the pill.
It was during this phase that I really started to take notice of the way I was living my life and making decisions and decided it was time to reassess. What I didn’t realize until I began reassessing was how much of my life I was living to fit the ideals of other people instead of my own. I realized I had no real style or way of expressing myself externally because internally, I had no idea who I was; I’d become a product of the social trends around me. While I’d originally viewed birth control as the reason I had no trust in myself, I realized it was simply the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’d been making fast, instant decisions that changed every time trends did. I had no long-term goals or vision for myself because that doesn’t fit in a world that’s constantly changing with the seasons. My closet was overflowing with clothes barely worn and which didn’t reflect my personal style. My naturally thick and curly hair was brittle, breaking and wouldn’t grow past my shoulders let alone hold a curl. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d participated in a hobby like writing, reading or swimming; all my free time was spent on TikTok and Instagram. Even the little bit of physical activity I participated in wasn’t for myself, but in order to obtain a body standard social media told me was desirable. My hormonal acne was more prominent than ever, and with each new pimple, I could feel my last little bit of confidence fade away. It was like waking up from a dream in an entirely different body. I wasn’t happy with myself by any means, and I didn’t feel as though my life reflected who I was; I felt trapped by my own decisions.
I wasn’t sure where to start in order to do a complete 180 in my life, but I did know that any discomfort I felt was a lot less scary than staying in the relationship I currently had with myself. So, day by day, I started. There was no secret to becoming who I wanted, no magical step-by-step process; it was a lot of time and forcing myself to simply start. There was also a lot of time spent giving up, feeling down and trying again the next day. I think the biggest lie social media tells us is that everyone we see who looks so accomplished was simply always driven and motivated to be that way. Or on the contrary, they weren’t until they woke up suddenly and found a motivation to change their life that never went away. I can speak from personal experience that for the first year, I was more unmotivated to help myself than I was motivated. Almost everything I did that I knew was good for me at first felt like more of a drag than helpful. The key isn’t to ‘find motivation,’ it’s to wake up and choose yourself even on the days you don’t want to. Healing isn’t linear. You’ll have ups and you’ll have downs, but the amount of ups versus downs have nothing to do with your progress. Humans weren’t made to be consistently happy. Happiness is not a state of being, it’s an emotion. You can wake up tomorrow in your dream life knowing you accomplished all your goals and finally made it, and still find yourself having bad days. Therefore, expecting your journey to be anything different just isn’t realistic. Be kind to yourself and just keep pushing forward.
The other thing I found to be helpful was realistic goal setting and learning the difference between short and long-term goals. When I was bleaching my hair every other month and frying it with a straightener, my end goal wasn’t to have fried and dead hair – it was to have long, nice hair. Even though straightening it every day and dyeing it as often as I was, gave me the instant feeling of what I desired, in the long term, nothing I was doing to my hair was going to help me reach that goal, but instead set me back. Same with the birth control– for me, I was on it solely for acne and while it immediately solved one problem, it opened the door to many others. Recently, I’ve been working over the past year with a naturopath to learn about the specifics behind my hormones and my cycle and find a long-term treatment path that works for me. I still have acne, and some days it’s overwhelmingly annoying that it won’t just go away. The process I’m working on now, while it may be long and sometimes feel tedious, is what’s right for my body and will benefit me in the long term. Knowing that is way more appealing than my previous quick fix option. When listening to the needs of your body and finding the root of the problem rather than fixing the visual issue, you’d be amazed by the number of outcomes. Since balancing my hormones naturally, my seasonal affective disorder (SAD) has been virtually nonexistent, my anxiety comes in smaller waves rather than episodes and I wake up in the morning not tired and manage to stay energetic throughout the day.
Even when setting a daily to-do list or plan, I make it realistic. I’m now aware that if my long-term goal is ‘to have long, healthy hair,’ expecting to wake up with that goal achieved two weeks later is unrealistic. Instead, I work on building short-term ‘challenges’ to help me achieve that goal. For example, a short-term challenge would be to ‘go one month with no heat styling.’ Then for that month, rather than keep myself focused on a goal that will take months and months to achieve, I’m focusing on something small that’s achievable on a daily basis. Another big help has been learning to be kind to myself. While I may be able to get seven different readings for school done in one day, realistically, will I feel good at the end of the day? Or will I feel mentally overworked and exhausted? I plan my schedule around pushing myself to accomplish everything I need to get done and simultaneously being my own advocate and allowing myself the breaks and free time my body deserves. Finally, I always try and schedule one hour each day solely dedicated to myself away from social media. Whether it’s an hour of reading, a long walk, trying out a new makeup look, taking a bath or even prolonging my skin care routine – I always make time to give back to myself.
My last 12 months haven’t consisted of Instagram-worthy outfits, wild weekends, endless stories or a busy schedule each week. I don’t always feel happy 24/7 and I still have so many things about myself that I’d like to work on. Yet unlike a year ago, I can say with full honesty that every day I wake up and feel 100% myself. I wake up confident with the journey I’m on, decisions I’m making and the person I’m becoming.
I take the time to research new products and foods because I care about what is going into my body. I spend money on things that benefit and strengthen my hair type to reach my overall goals rather than spend money on quick fixes that feel ‘okay.’ My closet is no longer overflowing, and I don’t have an outfit for every event- but every outfit in my closet gets worn and will be around for many years to come; they make me feel confident and express my personal style. I take time to journal, read and write because of the internal benefits and joy I feel from it even if there’s no visual outcome that others can see. I listen and respect my body when it comes to fitness and while I still push myself, I find ways to be physical that feel aligned and right for my body. I spend more time on skincare and vitamins that I can feel confident about inside and out. Most of all, when I feel issues arise, I take time to be with myself and find the root of the problem to solve it regardless of the timeline, rather than jump to a solution based on my first conclusion.
I’ll forever speak out loud and proud about the importance of taking your life back and doing things that will make your long-term self happy, because each day I experience living proof of why it’s important. My mental health has improved drastically, I trust my gut and my instincts and I’m more emotionally available to others and myself. On a much deeper level, I understand my needs and the things my body tells me, and I trust my own emotions and opinions. Overall, these changes have allowed me to fall in love with the journey and not just be indifferent about this transitioning period of life between who I was and who I want to be. I feel less insecure, have more confidence in who I am and because of that, I’m able to love those around me in a more sincere and genuine way.
What ‘becoming yourself’ looks like is a totally different journey for everyone. Maybe the things that I did will work for you or maybe you need to do something entirely different. Regardless of how you move along in your journey, the message stands strong that the journey needs to be had. We’ve gotten so used to needing to prove ourselves and our value online to each other that the idea of ‘learning’ has disappeared. Growth, adaptation, developing new skills and trying new things aren’t popular because the results aren’t instantaneous. I’ve gained more love for myself and learned more of my own personal strength and abilities in these last two years than ever before– all by allowing myself the opportunity to grow. I’ve given myself room to breathe and figure out my wants for my life past what’s in my immediate viewpoint. 2022 is probably going to be another crazy year full of life changes and adaptations… let one of those changes be to start choosing yourself.