I tend to say sorry for just about everything. I have pretty bad RBF (resting bitch-face) so I may not come across as the type to apologize for things very often but trust me when I say that I do. I apologize for accidentally bumping into someone, for making small mistakes and for just about everything under the sun. I am not the only one that does this though, in fact, most of us do this. Women are especially guilty of this because we have been more or less conditioned to feel guilty about and fixate over our very human “flaws.” I have made a list of things that I am no longer going to apologize for. I was just apologizing for being myself and I refuse to do that any longer.
1. Speaking Up for Yourself & Others
When I talk about sensitive topics, I always find a way of slipping “sorry” into the conversation at least once. I tone myself down in the conversation to make others feel more comfortable. I encourage people to continue checking in on the people they’re talking with to make sure that no one feels unsafe or anxious about the conversation. However, making people uncomfortable with real-life personal issues is a different story and not an instance that constitutes saying you’re sorry. Take for example when women discuss reproductive health or women’s rights with others, it tends to leave them feeling uncomfortable. I have found that this is especially the case when discussing these topics with men. Usually, if I noticed that people were becoming uncomfortable, I would say something like, “sorry if this is weird, I won’t bring it up again.” This allows for people to continue thinking that what I am saying is taboo, weird or rare, but this isn’t the case. As long as you try your best to be kind when speaking, the things you say matter and deserve to be said. We should never be sorry for standing up for what we think is important. We need to realize that more often than not, the things we apologize for saying are the things that society needs to hear.
2. Taking Up Physical Space
I think this is one area that will really resonate with women in particular. I’m not sure if it is just me, but I find myself apologizing for simply taking up space more than I would like to admit, whether this means that I accidentally bumped into someone in a crowded area or I took up a little more room when I sat down somewhere. I say sorry all the time over these little types of bumps and run-ins. I don’t even realize that I have apologized until after it happens most times; I have been trained to do it automatically. Sometimes it can feel a lot easier to apologize for something you didn’t do or didn’t intend to do than to say stand up for yourself. What I realized is that when I apologize for something, like taking up space in a Tim Hortons line, all I am really doing is making myself smaller for the comfort of others. I began asking myself, why does my presence require an apology? I’ll save you the trouble and tell you the answer now: it doesn’t. We need to learn that taking up space is normal; it does not deserve an apology. If other people around you don’t like that you’re standing up for yourself and your space, then that’s too bad for them.
3. Making Mistakes
At first glance this may seem a bit arrogant, I mean what kind of person doesn’t apologize when they’ve made a mistake, right? Well when I say that I am no longer apologizing for my mistakes, I don’t mean all of them. There are still times that I will apologize but I am no longer going to apologize for mistakes that were unforeseen or that come from simply being human. I currently work at the front end of a restaurant and when I started I found that I was apologizing for every tiny mistake that I made, even the ones with an easy fix. I used to apologize for mishearing people when they spoke, for not working fast enough and for all kinds of other things that were far beyond my control. Then I started to ask myself what I was even apologizing for. I apologized at least five times a day and yet I knew that at least some of the mistakes I made were sure to happen again. On Friday nights, the restaurant gets busy and therefore it also gets loud. If the restaurant was loud, then I was surely going to mishear another customer. The thing is, I did not make any of these mistakes on purpose, I made them because I am human. I forget things, I say and do the wrong things sometimes and I get nervous, upset and frustrated. Everyone has days like this. I don’t think it is right for me to apologize for something so human, and I won’t be apologizing for them any longer.
4. Emotions
This is the big one, at least for me it is. I find myself constantly apologizing for becoming emotional about something. Men tend to be punished by society for showing what would be considered stereotypical feminine emotions. Women tend to be punished for showing negative emotions or for expressing too much of a positive emotion (getting too excited about something). Realistically we all need to stop apologizing for having emotions and for sometimes not being able to contain them. I don’t think it’s fair to constantly be asked to contain our sadness, happiness or annoyance with something or someone. It’s time to stop saying that we’re sorry for crying or for getting “too” excited when we have every right to be. Men need to stop feeling as though they have to suppress their “unmanly” emotions and woman need to stop apologizing for feeling things “too deeply” as some might say. Our emotions don’t completely make up who we are, so we need to stop hiding and suppressing them as if they do. Once we start acknowledging and embracing our emotions, we may be able to view them more positively. Stop saying sorry for feeling things that are only human.
There are tons of ways to break the “I’m sorry” routine. Instead of saying sorry for things, try saying thank you. This is certainly not an article that is trying to excuse the things we say and do. Apologies are necessary and we are still responsible for our actions and the consequences that follow them. So, if you are about to apologize for something, stop and ask yourself if you can say thank you instead. For example, instead of saying “I’m sorry that I’m late” try saying “thank you for waiting for me.” I know that many of us are Canadian and we pride ourselves on being polite, even when others might not be. However, even if you’re not Canadian, it’s time to learn the difference between being polite and being pushed around. You can still be polite and know when it’s time to put your foot down.