We need to restructure the concept of fighting with our partners. It’s 2022 people! This year we’re only seeking out healthy, happy relationships with people who respect and deserve us. I don’t have the time to have pointless, bickering squabbles with just anyone and I know you don’t either. When you and your partner are full of emotion in the heat of an argumentative moment, it’s very easy for the situation to go south and turn toxic quickly. Not anymore! We’re getting rid of explosive spats, passive aggression and the silent treatment. I’m here to tell you how to have a constructive, rational and healthy argument with your partner. This brings me to my first point…
Reframe Your Mindset
Stop calling it a “fight.” This isn’t a WWE match, it’s a dispute with your person. If you’re going about it properly, you’ll both walk away feeling heard and respected even if you haven’t completely reached a solution (some issues in a relationship won’t have solutions, and sometimes that’s okay). I always refer to relationship issues as “conflicts” because I find it’s a more positive description than the word “fight.” Where there is conflict there can be a resolution, whereas a fight ends with a winner and a loser… and neither of you wants to be the latter. It’s of the utmost importance to remember that it’s you and your partner versus the problem, not you versus your partner. Keeping this in the forefront of your mind during your conversation will keep you both level as you unpack the issue.
Remove Yourself from the Situation
The best time to discuss an issue is not usually right after it has happened. When the conflict is fresh, you may be feeling hurt, angry or sad, and you simply can’t have a rational grown-up conversation if you let your unchecked emotions speak for you. You may end up saying things you don’t mean which can snowball the conflict into a bigger issue. Instead, take some time to consider what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling that way. It may help to journal about the situation to get your thoughts organized; I find that I can better rationalize my emotions if I work through them on paper. It’s also a good idea to talk to a friend about the situation; someone who can be an unbiased third party to help you look at the problem from another perspective. Pick a friend who will address both sides of the conflict with you, not someone who will rile you up. It will definitely be more helpful to hear, “I can see why you both reacted these ways,” rather than, “You’re right and your partner is stupid for not thinking so!” Also, if you choose to confide in a friend, make sure you’re respecting your partner’s dignity and privacy.
State the Facts
After you’ve given yourself time to think about your feelings, think about what it is exactly that you want to bring up and keep the conversation focused on that topic. Don’t let other minor details become leverage for you to use as jabs at your partner. For example, it isn’t beneficial to say, “You grumbled at me for forgetting to take the trash out yesterday, but your dishes have been in the sink for days!”. Concentrate on the facts: what was said or done, how it was received and how it made you feel. You might start the conversation by saying, “Yesterday you made a comment about me forgetting to take out the trash. I felt that your tone seemed harsh, and it made me feel disrespected.”
Get Their Perspective
Giving your partner the opportunity to express their side of things will help create a receptive and comfortable conversation environment in which you can both speak freely. Your partner will feel heard, and you’ll be able to appreciate their viewpoint before you progress towards a solution together. I like to premise the conversation by asking about general feelings at the time of the conflict. Saying something like, “Hey, did something happen yesterday? You didn’t seem like yourself and I want to check in on you,” will begin the talk on a positive and empathetic note. This gives your partner a platform to open up about the feelings that may have sparked the conflict, and also allows you a glimpse into their perspective on the issue.
Watch Your Wording
Now it’s up to both of you to calmly express your perspectives and work toward a solution. At this stage of the conversation, the language you choose is the difference between having a civil discussion and turning the talk into a full-blown argument. Avoid accusatory statements like, “You were being a jerk yesterday,” or “You barked at me just because I forgot about the trash.” Instead, replace these statements with remarks that communicate what you experienced, such as, “I felt hurt and disrespected after our talk yesterday about the chores. I would like to talk about how we can avoid that in the future.”
Find a Resolution
After you’ve shared your perspectives with each other, discussed the issue and said all you wanted to say, it’s time to work on a solution. Depending on the circumstance, a solution could come in several forms, though all solutions should begin with addressing and validating each other’s feelings. It could be simply an acknowledgment like, “I’m sorry I used a hurtful tone with you yesterday. I will watch my delivery in the future.” A compromise may also be necessary, “Let’s write down who will do which chores each day.” Asking questions is also helpful in wrapping up the conflict. “How are you feeling now?”, “Is there anything else you’d like me to elaborate on?”, “Do you feel I understand your side?” and “Do you have anything else to add before we move forward?” are great questions to finish up with and to help you both feel heard.
It Takes Two
Of course, addressing and solving a conflict in a healthy way is a two-way street. You can’t have a constructive conversation with your partner if they’re unreceptive or disrespectful during your disagreements. Above all else, exercising empathy for each other is the most productive thing to do in a conflict. You should both strive to understand each other’s sides in order to create a safe environment. Talk to your partner about how you’d like to manage conflicts together in a way that will benefit you both. If they’re eager to work through issues with you using a practical method, then great! If not, well… it may be time to reassess the relationship. As I said, we should only allow those who respect and value us to hold such an important role in our lives.
I hope that these tips will help you to have healthier and more respectful conversations in your relationship. If all else fails, remember to think of your conflicts as learning experiences – having a disagreement isn’t necessarily a bad thing! Conflicts help you both to better understand each other. View your issues as productive instead of destructive and you will feel much more affirmed in your conversations. There’s positivity in every experience.