When I was dating, my biggest challenge was differentiating between my personal desire to be in a relationship versus the societal pressure telling me that I should be seeking one out. Seeing my friends meeting people and pursuing romantic relationships instilled the idea in me that I should always be active on dating apps, committing to going out on first dates and presenting the version of myself that is worth dating.
Before my current relationship, I had been in some talking stages, however, they fizzled out before anything resembling a relationship began. I had a lot of doubts getting into my current relationship, not because there was anything wrong with my boyfriend as a person, but rather I did not know if I was capable of putting in the energy of a healthy relationship. Simply put, I did not want to be the reason that the relationship ‘failed’. I use the term ‘failed’ very loosely as I have now come to realize that a relationship ending is not a failure, but instead an opportunity to learn from something that simply did not work out. Now that I have gained a lot of emotional stability surrounding self-doubt, I would like to reflect on what was initially holding me back from making a commitment.
Men are sometimes the worst and my TikTok algorithm seems to agree. I have found myself on TikTok where it is often women and men sharing stories about how the bar for men is on the ground. Although I felt societal pressure to pursue dating, my friends and I had a lot of terrible experiences where men seemed to cause more headaches than it was worth. When I met my current boyfriend on Tinder – yes, I know, it seems like a recipe for disaster–I expected a few messages to be exchanged and then nothing to come of it. When he seemed like he wanted to get to know me I was surprised, but I still put no expectation into the ordeal. As we started going out on dates, I would have a lot of fun and looked forward to seeing him again. Throughout the initial stages of dating, I questioned my feelings a lot. I could not differentiate whether I wanted to see him because I liked him or if I liked him only because he was interested in me. I would constantly keep my attraction at a distance by telling myself that ‘he is just a stranger and you do not know him’. While that is true, I had to let go of the idea that he was looking to waste my time when he had expressed that he wanted to be in a relationship. I was essentially expecting that because it was going well, it would end soon enough.
The idea of my friends and family knowing I liked someone was also very embarrassing for me. Telling people that I was dating someone always brought about more questions like “what is his name?”, “what does he do?”, “how did you meet?” etc. I now realize that these questions made me uncomfortable because verbalizing my relationship meant that it was real. Talking about my boyfriend meant that he was now officially a part of my life and that was scary. Oftentimes, after telling someone, I would think “well now if our relationship ends then people will think it was fake”. I understand that is irrational because people really do not care. By that I mean others are not analyzing when, if or how a relationship ends. If they are, then that is their problem, not mine.
I still sometimes doubt my ability to maintain a healthy relationship, but I know that ultimately, I am doing the best I can. My journey of working through self-doubt is not over,however, I have learned to be more cognisant and address my patterns of overthinking and let me say that it is not easy. As contradictory as it sounds, I am grateful for my relationship as it has helped me wade through some of the tough conversations of self-reflection. Oftentimes, I believe such practice is pushed aside, sometimes because it is easier to ignore and sometimes because we are not even aware of that it has to happen.