Vulnerability. For many of us, it’s a scary word. Conjuring up feelings of shame, embarrassment and fear, being vulnerable is something we often try to avoid. But what if we could use this feeling to fight our fears?
What is vulnerability?
Vulnerability is defined by Google as “the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.” Sounds scary, doesn’t it? No one likes being attacked, so we protect ourselves by building invisible barriers around our emotions and our hearts. It’s easy to believe that if we never truly let anyone in and never fully expose ourselves, it would be impossible for anyone to hurt us. Invulnerability seems safe.
There’s just one problem with this idea. As humans, we are social creatures and connection is necessary for our survival. Just think back to our ancestors: If they hadn’t found ways to connect with others and work as a team, they could have never survived attacks against bears, lions and the thousands of other predators our species has faced over the years. We need connection to thrive. It’s in our DNA.
Because of this, we also know exactly how awful it feels when that connection is missing. Think about the last time you were on the outside of a clique you wanted to be a part of, watching your would-be friends bond without you. Maybe you’ve gone to a social event and found that you didn’t click with anybody. You felt like an outsider, and it isn’t a fun feeling.
The vulnerability difference
Now, think of a time you really did feel a connection with someone. The way you feel around your best friends is a great example. They know you inside and out: the good, the bad and the ugly. Because they know you, the real you, they can be close with you in a way that nobody else can. Just like the vulnerability definition described, your friends know enough about you to be able to harm you, at least emotionally. But we choose to share ourselves with them anyway because we want to build trust with them. Sharing ourselves – including our secrets – is one of the many ways we build emotional intimacy and true friendships, which requires a great deal of openness. Vulnerability is the key to maintaining the very connection we crave.
This is especially prevalent in modern society, where social media is a part of our daily lives. It is all too easy for us to put a filter over our faces and showcase only our most glamorous moments. But this highlight reel can start to feel shallow quickly. We feel isolated when we look at other people’s posts, wondering why our lives aren’t as incredible as theirs seem to be. This, in turn, puts pressure on us to look just as happy with our lives, which can lead to posting things that feel forced, inauthentic and that took 500 trial selfies and three layers of filtering to make.
By choosing to be open about who we are, both face-to-face and online, we are spared all these comparisons. We realize that nobody’s life is perfect and we learn to support our friends as we understand that we all share similar struggles in life.
From fearing to fearless
Even outside of relationships, vulnerability plays a huge part in our lives. Let’s consider fears and anxieties, something that everyone encounters on some level. When we are afraid of things, we tend to create tension around them. Have you ever felt your shoulders tense or your jaw clench when you’re anxious about something? This is a completely natural reaction. By gripping, we simulate the feelings of control we want. However, this also gives power to the very thing we fear. Afraid of public speaking? That tension in your throat caused by your nervousness makes speaking challenging, and suddenly we have created the very thing we didn’t want. Ever worried about failing a test and then gotten so stressed that you couldn’t focus on studying? Sometimes our fears can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. But one simple step can save us: choosing to be vulnerable. When we decide that it is okay to make a mistake and be imperfect, the tension and pressure we created for ourselves disappears. Not only does this make the experience much more enjoyable, it also makes it easier for us to succeed because our bodies will be working for us, not against us.
The power is yours
Picture yourself in a vulnerable situation, like waiting to do an important presentation. When you feel that perfectionism-driven anxiety bubbling up, you have a choice: You can let the nervousness get to you and feel stiff and tense in front of the class, or you can decide to recognize that things rarely go perfectly and accept yourself as you are. This allows your body to relax and breathe, giving you a much better chance of giving the stellar presentation that you want. When we aren’t afraid of impressing an audience, we can just be ourselves, creating those connections with others that make presentations – and our lives – amazing.
By releasing the tight grip we hold over our lives and our image, we open the door to vulnerability, honesty, connection and freedom. I challenge you to seize every opportunity to be vulnerable that you can and see how your life changes. You’ll be glad you did.