We’ve all been there: it’s 3 am, some sad music is playing on your phone and you’re deep in thought trying to figure out the intentions of the “hey, how have you been doing?” text message lying on your phone. Being friends is something you talked about while breaking up, but you just thought it was something you were supposed to have said. How do you actually know if you should be friends with an ex or when it’s best to cut ties off completely?
When you should be friends:
1. If you are involved in each other’s lives
If you and your ex have a friend group that you were both a part of or if you share kids or a workplace, then it is probably best to remain friends. Cutting each other out would be weird and would probably lead to more trouble than not.
2. If there was a genuine friendship
Let’s be honest, sometimes you date someone and a real friendship forms and sometimes you date someone because they were hot and fun to sleep with. If the relationship was the former, then yes, by all means, remain friends with them! You just have to ask yourself this one question: are you staying friends because you’re trying to win them back? Because if you are, you should leave immediately. Like now. You are in no way ready to maintain a true friendship with that person. You are going to have to be okay with seeing them date other people. Moreover, you will have to be in a mindset where you can agree that they were not the right person for you. There is no shame in using friendship as a way to keep a possibility alive because who is to say what is going to happen in the future. However, if you want to just be friends, and allow yourself the ability to truly move on, then you have to come to terms with the fact that the relationship as you knew it is now over.
When you should not be friends:
1. You want them back
If you want to get back together with that person then don’t be friends with them. Friendship is not going to be something you are satisfied with. Worse, you may hook up with them only for them to tell you it was just for fun. Ouch, that one always hurts. If you’re trying to win them back, you need to cut off contact, not only for yourself but for the outcome you want. Being friends, genuine friends, will only end up hurting you
2. They were not good for you
Even if you managed to become friends throughout the course of the relationship, if you broke up because you weren’t good for each other, it’s probably best to stay away. I’m not suggesting you behave untowardly or rudely but merely saying that this is not a situation where you should try and keep a genuine friendship. Let it die. Moreover, if they were abusive, made you feel bad about yourself or generally brought the worst out in you, there is no need to keep them in your life. The relationship is over, so thank them for the memories and move on. Bad energy should not be accepted in your life because you are a queen.
At the end of the day, you have to do what feels right. I’ve tried to avoid and do no contact with one of my exes only to be miserable. I missed him and really liked the friendship we had formed. On the other hand, I have had an ex want to remain friends with me and it was awful. I did not enjoy the energy he was bringing into my life and slowly phased it out. In this situation, it’s okay to be selfish and do what feels right. There are no fast and hard rules; do what makes you happy and what makes you feel fulfilled. Just make sure to assess and re-evaluate the relationship so that you can remain your best self.