Due to COVID-19 and quarantine, I saw a significant increase in my social media account usage during the past year. I didn’t like the fact that as soon as I woke up, the first thing I reached for was my phone. At the time, it felt like I needed a reminder to keep going or to find a connection to something outside of my house. In all honesty, I was bored, isolated and drained, and as soon as I put my phone down, I instantly but unconsciously unlocked it and started scrolling again. So, this is my breakup letter to my toxic ex: my social media accounts.
Dear social media,
I wish I didn’t feel the need to be justified by a number. I wish an app full of photoshopped pictures didn’t make me feel like curling into a ball under my blankets. In a world where that tiny little like button didn’t have such an enormous impact on my mind. Where every carefully crafted message needed to be presented along with an array of hand-selected emojis. I wish I didn’t need to send my friends five pictures to validate which was acceptable enough to post for the world. The need to refresh a page just to cry about the ache in me. Internally weak, heart crushed, soul darkened and still the validation I feel when the numbers increase, combat the absolute loathing I feel when I see my body in the mirror.
How can I ever forget the pain you’ve caused me? The feeling of disgust as my thoughts flow through me, damaged as my heart shatters violently, suffocated as the walls close rapidly, lonely with chills running down my body, frightened but praying my deadly thoughts to leave me and depressed but this anger igniting a fire within me. But there I go again, remembering the validation, warmth and exhilaration I felt for those three minuscule seconds. The happiness, satisfaction and mere bliss when the activity tab overflowed with profound comments and an unimaginable number of likes.
My phone sits on my desk, staring, judging, enticing and pulling me toward it like a magnet. There the account remains, planted on my screen, slipped beneath the media category, and slowly being erased from my mind, but the detrimental impact on my heart and soul cannot be forgotten or forgiven. Still, I go back, remembering the laughter and connection my social media accounts have brought me. Longing to feel the trickles of happiness but hating the toxicity and the weight that the like button carries. Since I was younger, I thought I would share the best moments of my life with that five-by-five screen, but the relationship I have cultivated has dwindled to nothing.
So goodbye to my social media accounts. As this is being read, I am on the first flight to deleting and removing that intolerable presence and existence from my phone. Hopefully, the scars on my mind fade to a lighter shade and the memories shared help me find strength and purpose.