I must confess something: to my dear readers, I regret to inform you that I’m an outlaw- a criminal if you will. Despite a blanket ban on diffusers in my student residence building, the glub glub of my Amazon diffuser can be heard at almost all times of day. Nonetheless, barring my confession, my newfound diffuser obsession qualifies me to write an article about the intricate social coding of essential oils.
(Humble yourself, Hannah: you just started diffusing things in December, and the only reason was because your mom didn’t know what else to get you for Christmas).
I choose to disregard this criticism, however, as I truly feel that the ungodly amount of money that I’ve blown on my little miracle steam machine is more than enough testament to my crippling use of retail therapy and propensity for spending expertise.
1. Eucalyptus
When is the last time you have slept for eight hours in a row? No particular reason for asking, of course… I’m just curious. Who needs a sleep schedule when you have drugstore melatonin tablets and magical eucalyptus vapour to go *puff puff* as you scroll through Tik Tok during the wee hours of the morning. But yeah, you know. Sleep and wellness and relaxation and all that.
Please go to bed.
2. Lemon
I bet you enjoy the smell of cleaning products, and I mean that in a derogatory way. You’re either a migraine sufferer who cannot handle real scents or are using it out of sheer guilt, as lemon was probably one of the three starter oils that came with your diffuser that you bought two years ago and you’d feel bad if you let it sit and expire. Now go sniff a lemon Lysol wipe, since you seem to enjoy it so much.
3. Lavender
You know what? I wish I could slander you, but I’m really struggling. Lavender is, in fact, the epitome of -vibey-. It’s pleasant without being overwhelming and is the olfactory equivalent of a perfectly temperate spring day. I predict that your room is somehow cozy without being messy, and clean without being sterile to the point of being uninviting. You might just be too precious for this world.
4. Patchouli
Ok millennial. If you’re not wearing printed leggings right now, you’re drinking a $9 iced organic oat milk latte sourced from a mountaintop garden farmed by a lovely Guatemalan family. It was probably hand-pressed by the barista too, because electric coffee machines are for people who just don’t understand the integrity required to craft the perfect cup of bean juice. I’d tell you to go outside and join the real world, but you’d probably end up finding a cliff face to get naked and take #inspirational hiking photos on.
5. Jasmine
Not to be weird, but can we please be friends? I hope both sides of your pillow are always cool, your toast always comes out at the perfect degree of toastiness, your jeans always fit perfectly on the first try, and your crops prosper, you tasteful thing. It’s hard being the most attractive, smartest, classiest and most intelligent person in the room, but it’s a burden you carry well.
6. Peppermint
You’re an old lady who thinks all those vanilla what-you-call-ems are just too fancy, and simply has no inkling as to why youngins today would want their room to smell like a dessert. Alternatively, you are that person who begins your Christmas preparations the moment the first leaf hits the ground in September. Respectively, I commend you for your commitment to the classics or condemn you for being the reason that minimum wage retail workers are forced to listen to the same five Christmas songs on a loop from November to January: haven’t they been through enough?
7. Any Blend From Saje
Did you snort a line of powdered gold before leaving your yacht this morning? Statistically, there is a high probability that you are funding both your education and your essential oil collection with the spoils of Daddy’s hedge fund. To the opposite extreme, you could also be a broke social science major whose OSAP cheque just hit. I struggle to conceptualize an in-between. That being said, I do commend your taste and begrudgingly acknowledge that your room must smell amazing.
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