Thanks For The Advice, Cortes. Here’s Some For You.

I love fragile male egos.

Don’t get me wrong; I don’t go out into the world to seduce and break men’s hearts for fun. That’s tedious—and frankly, I don’t have time for it. Though I suppose saying so could come across as a little insensitive. But send your hate, boys! Entertain me.

See, for me, there’s one main problem with most men; often, it only takes a few seconds for any potential interest to be erased, just by having them open their pretty little mouths. But it’s those opinions that are not just enraging, but so blatantly amusing to me.

During my years at Western, men have only become more infuriating; in the past year, I haven’t attended a single class without a mansplainer who eagerly (and poorly) repeats every point I’ve addressed in the lecture, and I can barely go outside without being sexualized or groped. But that’s another article.

I think if I have to put up with violence, hatred and sense of entitlement towards women on a daily basis, I should be entitled to something too. Since there doesn’t seem to be many viable options, I’ll take comedy to satisfy my needs.

With the presence of social media, there’s no shortage of available material. Most recently it has been Alexander Cortes that has caught my attention. Describing himself as a writer and trainer, Cortes mainly focuses his “wisdom” on training women to become attractive mates for men, and training men to hunt out these “suitable” wives.

But who could be lucky enough to be suitable for this hit-with-a-stupid-stick Lin Manuel Miranda/Lord Farquaad look alike? (I’m so sorry Lin... Love you!)

Of course, only a top-tier man like this would come up with such an original, reasonable list of criteria; one that appears to come from an unfortunate coupling between gender roles of the 1950s and modern toxic aesthetic trends. One complicit, housewife version of Ariana Grande coming up!  

Oh, Alexander. It’s okay to say you can’t get a woman, rather than share a list no-one will ever fully satisfy. Or, you can keep doing what you’re doing… I won’t judge too harshly. Just some advice, you may want to make those “date” pics of yours a little more convincing. If I can give you one hint: it may be a good idea to drape a jacket or something over on the opposite side, so that empty chair at least looks like it’s been in use.

I’m only looking out for you; since you’ve been so kind to give me men’s standards, I figured I’d return the favor and give you some help with women. Pretending to be taken won’t help you in the slightest, though it may provide some of the shock factor I can only assume you’re looking for. I suppose if I could narrow all the ideas I have down to one piece of advice, it would be this: please, for the love of God—if no one else—have some foresight. As previously mentioned, make your faux date appear to be present. Or even better, maybe research any odd arguments you wish to make. You know, to better showcase those persuasive writing skills.

Take this as an example. You have an interesting concept. But again, you could put some more thought into it. Do your research. Then maybe the next time you post something, you won’t be taken down so easily.

I can’t speak for everyone, but not too many women I know are interested in attracting men who can’t be bothered to think through, or prove, an argument. I’m sure you think of yourself as an intellectual. Act as one.

Another tip: perhaps the only less attractive thing is men who think that women’s only purpose is to attract men and satisfy their desires. But you and your followers aren’t like that, right Alexander?

Perhaps I spoke too soon.

I think many men don’t understand that as a woman, my life doesn’t revolve around getting their bad, sad, desperate dick. I’ve got a degree to earn, places to see, more interesting things to do than… well, you. Especially when you’re trying to showcase that awkward boner popping up in the grocery store. I’m just trying to buy some pasta, man. And trust me, I don’t want those unsolicited dick pics either—they look even sadder. But maybe you just don’t understand female sexual attraction.

How about we compromise, men? You start listening to women, and I’ll take some of Alexander’s advice to heart… I suppose I could start listening to men more. After all, you’re the reason I’m able to laugh so much.

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