Not Every Break Up Is Black And White

As a woman currently in her last teenage years, I’ve had my fair share of experiences; a few of which have been getting my heart broken. Yes, the first one hurt like hell and, yes, subsequent ones got easier. However, looking back on it, most of these relationships had the common theme that, in the end, I was angry with the other person. Whether it was their actions or words, I always had focused on something bad. 

But what are you supposed to do when no one’s at fault? Where do you place blame? And how do you move on if there was nothing inherently wrong? My last relationship ended almost two months ago now, and the reason was mostly due to the distance between us and the fact that we are in different stages of life. 

It’s definitely been difficult to navigate this healing process because I’m not angry with him for ending the relationship. Yes, I’ve been able to think of things that weren’t perfect about us together, but I also haven’t been able to feel that same rage I once felt towards someone that’s hurt me. I don’t know whether it’s because I felt a more mature type of love for him or that I’ve always understood that our situation was difficult. Either way, this experience has definitely opened my eyes to the fact that you can be in love with someone, have a relatively good, healthy relationship with that person, yet it still may not work out. This was something that I came to realize shortly after our breakup because I didn’t have the usual anger to propel me through the first few stages of healing. Instead, I actually had to take some time and let myself be sad about it.

I’m beginning to learn that, as I get older, there’s going to be more variety in who I love, how I love and why we may have to walk away. It's been a difficult concept to wrap my head around, but it’s one that I’m grateful I’m in the process of learning. I’ve always felt that I am a strong person and that I can withstand pain in my life. That being said, I’ve also learned a lot about myself in the last couple of months and I’ve even questioned aspects about my future that I’ve never questioned before. For example, the distance that played a large factor in the end of our relationship was caused by me leaving home to come to Western, a school that I am very happy at. As much as he tried to be supportive, I knew he always wanted me to come home and that was something I just couldn’t do. I’m here because I want to be and because this is the first step to achieving what I’ve always wanted to become: a doctor. Yet, after the breakup, I began to question if I should even follow through with this goal. I’m only in my second year of undergrad so I have many years of schooling left and I couldn’t stop thinking: what if me doing what it takes to become a doctor is what will, ultimately, end the majority of my relationships? My end goal in life is to be happy and a part of that is finding someone that I can call my partner and do things like start a family together. But, for some reason, this break up made me question if that’s even possible with my career choice. It was a scary thought that maybe I can’t have both. Thankfully, after a lot of contemplation and my mother talking me down from my anxiety-filled craze, I realized that there will be someone out there with whom I can have both, maybe I just haven’t found him yet. Overall, this whole experience has definitely solidified what I want out of a relationship and, although I’m not ready to enter a new one yet, I think this breakup is guiding me in the right direction, regardless of where that will be. 

I’d also like to say that each and every one of us is perfect on our own; we don’t need a relationship to be happy, we just need to be happy with ourselves. I think we should take each heartbreak as an opportunity to grow and love ourselves more because that’s what everyone deserves. We’re at a time in our lives where we have to think about ourselves and do what will make us happy in the long term. Sometimes, this might even come at the cost of a relationship or two. I can’t be angry at someone that’s trying to better themselves; in fact, I’m proud of him for doing what he feels is best for his mental health and his career. As cliché as it is, everything happens for a reason and I don’t doubt that better things are at the end of both of our paths. For now, all I can do is focus on myself, enjoy time with my friends and loved ones, and do what truly makes me happy.

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