Strangely enough, it was a Wednesday. She had just taken all her makeup off and climbed into bed. Her phone lit up with his name. It was two in the morning.
She etched shapes into his back with the softness of her fingertips, because she knew it helped him sleep. He would sleep no doubt, considering how much he always drank and how sober she usually was. Regardless, their relationship was too hungover to ever get out of bed. She guessed her worth could be now measured in thread count; or better yet, the seven dollar and fifty cent cab ride to his house that he stopped paying for after the first time; or simply how long her body lay still next to his, mind awake, in the morning. She didn’t think about any of this. Not yet. She merely smiled at the fresh air because its chill was not yet cold enough to bite.  Who knew that the promising warmth of March would be shattered by yet another cold spell? She did not.
With only two hours of sleep, she managed to get home, do her makeup, and set off for her morning lecture.
Exiting the elevator she blushed, as her mind couldn’t help but wander back to him.
                                                          ****************
Two years later, my freshman puppy love story sounds not only trivial, but kind of tragic. I was utterly consumed by a guy who was–for lack of a better word–a complete douchebag.  The way I felt for him, despite being mistreated, led me to question my own worth.  Looking back now, the red flags were definitely there. But at 17 everything happens so fast; you feel like you’re just being pushed through the motions. If I could change one thing about how everything went down, I wouldn’t.
However, if I could tell my 17-year-old self anything, I would tell her to not fear exposure to experience, and to not be afraid of putting yourself out there–point blank. Have your heartbreak, experience loss, but grow from it. Do not allow any person to make you feel bad about yourself. Trust me, there are so many of him that will try to make you feel small and insignificant. Resist falling into patterns that wreck your self-esteem, because they will be easily taken. It has taken some time but you, I, have learned that when you find love, respect and value in who you are, if you desire to do so, you can find space in your life for someone that completely agrees. Â