Having a loved one die is, in my opinion, one of the hardest things one will ever go through in life. My dad died when I was 14 and my grief is still something that I struggle with almost every day. From my own experiences, I’ve found that, generally, people are pretty bad at interacting with those who are grieving. Whether the loss is fresh or several years old, here are some tips you can use to support a friend who is grieving.
Acknowledge the loss and offer sincere apologies
Regardless of it’s been one day or one year since the loss, if you’re hearing about it for the first time, you should acknowledge the loss and offer some sort of apology. I’ve had many people who have ignored me when I told them that my dad died, and I can honestly say that my friendships with these people have never been the same. A simple “I’m sorry for your loss” lets the person know that you’ve heard them and you care.
Don’t try to justify the loss
When my dad died, so many people told me that they were sorry that he had died, but it was okay because “he’s in a better place now” and “he’s not suffering anymore.” To me, that was all crap. Yes, of course I didn’t want him to be in pain, but if I had the choice between him being dead or him being sick but still being alive? I would choose having him alive in a heartbeat. Justifying the loss puts the onus on the griever, making them feel guilty for wishing their loved one was still alive.
Offer a listening ear
Talking about death can be uncomfortable. There are so many positive and negative emotions associated with grief that people generally treat those that are grieving like a ticking time bomb. As a result, most people don’t really want to talk about the loss after offering their sympathies, and after a few months it can feel like everyone but you has forgotten your loved one. Check in with your friend and be an outlet for your friend to cry, laugh, vent, or reminisce with, because odds are they aren’t getting a lot of opportunities to talk about what they’re feeling.
But don’t take them saying they don’t want to talk about their loss as them never wanting to talk about it
Everyone grieves at their own pace. If the loss is recent or was traumatic, the griever may not want to talk about what happened. Some people may be more private and not want to share details about the loss or their emotions. And that’s okay! Grief is extremely personal, and it can take years to come to terms with a loss. But if your friend tells you they don’t want to talk about it now, that doesn’t mean that they’ll never want to talk about it. If the topic comes up naturally or you’re reminded of their lost loved one, don’t shy away from it.
Check in with them on difficult days
Grief can be difficult any day of the year, but can be especially hard to deal with on “special” days like birthdays, holidays, and their loved one’s death day. These are the days where my grief engulfs me and I feel like locking myself in my room and not speaking to anyone. If you know that it’s likely going to be a difficult day for your grieving friend, send them a message saying that you’re thinking about them. I know that when I’ve received messages like these in the past, it meant the world to me. It confirms that you haven’t forgotten about their loss, and you’ll be there for them if they need you.
Grief is multifaceted and lasts much longer than our society cares to acknowledge. For this reason, people who are grieving tend to hide their grief. The next time a friend is struggling with their grief, keep these tips in mind. They may not say it, but know that your friend will really appreciate it.
Related Articles
- Why Having A Connection With Your Therapist Is So Important
- No “Buts” When It Comes To Depression
- Finding Your Happiness Equation
Want more HCW? Check us out on social media! Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest