27/08/18
Dear Diary,
This is the first time that I’ve had the urge to make a diary entry. Nothing out of the ordinary happened today, just a couple of cancelled plans—cancelled for understandable reasons. It got me thinking back to every cancelled event I’ve ever had and I was presented with my insecurity on a silver platter, although it felt more like a truck hitting me in the face. All in all, I want to clarify that today was the best day ever because I discovered something about myself that would help me in the future, even if I was on the verge of a mini meltdown.
Something you should know about me, since this is the first time we’re talking, is that I have a very good intuition about people’s feelings and thoughts, and my intuitions are usually correct. I’ve had this ability for as long as I can remember. My intuitions are even stronger with people who are close to me. Therefore, the revelation of my insecurity came as a bit of a surprise to me and mind you, I am not easily surprised.
This is what prompted me to write this diary entry, because I needed to write it down somewhere, to make it concrete. My biggest insecurity is that people don’t actually like me and that they want to run away from me the first chance they get. They only stay with me because they either need something from me or they haven’t yet found a way to get rid of me. Now, I know that you can never make everyone like you, and I don’t try either. I believe that if someone ends up being my friend, they should accept the real me, not a modified version of me that I would have created specifically for them. Even after knowing all this, it hurt me a lot when I realized that after two years at university, I didn’t have a single person who I can call my best friend or who I can call to announce that I will be crashing at their place tonight. It always seemed like all the people around me just wanted to leave because I was annoying, sometimes I am annoying, and that they only stayed because they were stuck. But, now I think it could just have been me. I have known a lot of people and have observed several more. Everytime that I’ve interacted with a person fighting with an insecurity, I have noticed a trend. Whenever the insecurity within a person has the upper hand, they are steered into a loop of self-fulfilling prophecies. Simply put, they become the fuel for their insecurity and they can’t see this while stuck in that vicious loop. It makes me wonder if the reason I didn’t find a close friend was that I was somehow ruining the relationship myself, without ever realizing it.
Although, now that I know what I have to deal with, it will be easier for me to overcome my insecurity. You must be wondering why I wrote this down when I knew everything and could figure it out without investing my time in making a diary entry. My dear diary, I had to write it down because I know how devious insecurities can be, they creep up and attack when you are the weakest. I have many important decisions to make in the next two years, including figuring out my life and my career, and that requires me to have confidence in myself. It would be unwise of me to run the risk of going through all of this again and having no idea what is happening because, believe me, I will forget all about it when I would need it. So this entry is to ensure that, if at any point in future I have no idea what is going wrong with my relationship with my friends, I would know where to look.
Thanks for hearing me out and keeping this safe for me to come back to and read whenever it’s needed.
Love,
Shefali.
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